Text-to-Heart

The Door

2012-02-05T21:43:00.001-06:00

She closes the door
The door is closed, the window locked
The walls are thick rough planks
She can't tear through

Now, she won't return
She has abandoned
Everything that could have delighted her
Or everything that could have brought her to desolation

She turns her face back, touching the door with her wet cheek
What has she done? She does not know
Suddenly weak, she falls down,
Crawls to the window
Peers in, willing herself to know what she relinquished

She sees through the glass gleaming rainbows and butterflies
The golden glow of a rosy, uncluttered life
A cry clogs her throat, her head tilts toward the next pane, where she is grabbed by
Another view - of dirt and squalor, a girl with gravel rubbed into her heart

And now she knows that she can never know
What lies behind the door

After Petrarch

2012-01-31T19:36:00.001-06:00

How is the world's delight a brief dream?
That from all takers must be taken still?
A dream delights, it charms unconscious moments.
A dream is all to one who lies asleep.
Misty-eyed, its magic he partakes of,
Trusting that there is no other reality.

But as he wakes the dream falls limp around him.
It could not endure, imagination failed.
The cup he drank, greedy, now is bitter,
Its poison percolating through his bones.
He feels around, but cannot touch his safety.
The home he hammered tight has tumbled.

How is the world's delight a brief dream?
A home built on the mud of California?
A smashed promise, a kiss from a flirt?
It floats in and out with the ocean tide.
As the tide turns, it carries to sea
The sum total of the minutes that you breathed so far.

Matthew 7:24-27

Query

2012-01-24T22:35:00.001-06:00

This poem is not quite the way I want it. Those last two lines are begging to be revamped. I have stared at it too long, though, so I thought I'd let it breathe a while and come back to it.

If this green tree should branch into your wood,
Produce pale blossoms sweetly dropping down,
Would you protect its sticky sapling blood?
Allow its roots to anchor in your ground?

Would you defend its branches year by year,
From those who'd strip the leaves and peel the bark?
Would you snip off the suckers rooting there,
And teach the limbs to thicken strong, stalwart?

If lightning burns the crown and mars its head,
Would you remain until its boughs replace?
And when it topples over, topples dead,
Mourn its shattered brow and kiss its face?

In time, this tree will give you every fruit,
And when she's gone, she'll leave of you a shoot.

Dying, We Live

2012-01-15T21:02:00.000-06:00

Dying, we live

And opening our hands, full of dreams

And dropping them to the floor,

We martyr our lives, living

It's not our deaths he asks for

(That would almost be easy)

It's a daily death inside:

To suffocate my desire, to

Offer my actions, my will to him

Lord, with all my heart I want you

Want your wholeness to engulf myfractions

Want your righteousness to swallow mydirt

Want your peace to obliterate myyellow-bellied nature

I give you myself to be reborn, remade

A new creature, made in the likeness ofChrist,

Who by living and dying conquered bothlife and death.

The Power is Out

2012-01-08T21:57:00.003-06:00

I can't hold on to my empire.

Defeat upon defeat shows my weakness.

My dreams loom over my head,

Taunting me, because I am not able toreach them.

Everything has failed, all at once

I try to flick the lights on in everyroom,

But I fail, because the power is out.

The power is out of me.

It's a freeing thought, really.

Because the power is not in me;

It's in someone wiser, kinder, and morethan a million times more righteous.

Now that my empire is lost,

I can take my place in his empire,

And trust that he will never lose me.

Winter

2012-01-02T21:46:00.001-06:00

My bones ache in the winter
And when the wind whips my ears,
Shoulders, hands, calves, ankles, toes,
I try to hide in my coat.

I am a heat-seeker those times.
If a flame is licking near,
I will find it, its breath warms,
Then roasts me until I turn.

In winter, the dark hangs low,
Leaving small spaces of light
Where I plant myself, yearning
For more as it fades away.

There's little of winter that
Cheers me. I count it down. It's
Prison time without parole.

2011-12-04T21:19:00.001-06:00

Do you check your closets before going to bed? I don't. I do admit, however, that as a child, I would often check under the bed. For a few weeks I even jumped into bed from several feet away because I thought there was a nun under my bed waiting to snatch my ankles. (I don't know why a nun.)

Fear is a strange creature. When we are children, we are afraid of things that are ridiculous, like the bogeyman or, in my case, nuns. As adults, our fears our easier to rationalize, but perhaps if we really examined them, they would be just as ridiculous.

I read about a businessman who wrote down all his worries and analyzed them. He found that most of the time he was either worrying about something that had already happened or he was worrying about something that was not likely to happen. I think fear is something like that. We tend to fear things that are either not likely to happen, or if they do happen, aren't as bad as we imagine them to be.

Fear, though, is one step past worry. Worry can be an entertaining pastime. But no one likes fear. It's scary. When I am afraid, I feel like I might stop breathing, that my vision is going black, that every pleasant part of my life is slipping away. Although it might be irrational, it's very real.

When I was little, I ran to my parents when I was afraid. They were the voices of reason that drove away the madness. I was assured that what I feared could not occur. Now that I am grown, I realize that my parents have fears of their own, and the magic answers that they had back then no longer apply.

Ah, yes, fear is a scary monster. I can't run to my parents anymore, but still I have somewhere to run. I can run to Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me." (Psalm 23:4) "For thou has been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle forever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings." (Psalm 61:3,4) "Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Luke 12:32)

I would be lying if I said I am never afraid. Still I know that if I run to Jesus, He will give me assurance. What I fear can never bring me down, because He is with me.

From Depression to Praise

2011-11-27T21:09:00.001-06:00

I've been encouraged the past couple of weeks. At times I get stuck in a cycle of feeling down and feeling like it's going to stay that way. Fear begins to take up residence in my heart. I feel like I need to stay busy to stay one step ahead of the darkness. But lately, I've felt a real peace and joy that I know is from God. I'm thankful for that.

How do I get from depression to praise? Let me tell you, it hasn't been an easy path. On the other hand, it's super simple to do. Depression turns to praise when I give over my worries to Jesus. The Bible says "casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (I Peter 5:7) It's funny that it takes every bad thing happening that could happen before I realize what I should have known all along: I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. Sounds depressing, doesn't it? But it's not, because there's a corollary: God has total control over the circumstances of my life. And he is working things out to my benefit. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) The more I believe what God's word says about him and about me and about my purpose in this life, the more joy I feel.

I didn't get here without help from my friends, though. Christian friends have encouraged me to believe in the Lord, and they have listened to my troubles with patience and kindness. I believe that is why the Lord started churches when he was here on earth. How could we ever serve God without encouragement from other Christians?

Something else that has really helped me has been listening to Christian music. I got into a habit of listening to non-Christian music on a regular basis, and while I'm not saying it's wrong, most of those songs are not encouraging. A few weeks ago, I switched over to KLove and Air1, and I have noticed a big change in my attitude. Music is powerful. And can I plug Mandisa's new album here? I bought it last week, and have been playing it nonstop since then. Every song is an encouragement to keep going, keep trying, keep trusting. I love it.

What helps you when you are down? Do you feel OK admitting it when you feel that way? Are there people that you can share that with who encourage you?

Theme (I Don't Have One)

2011-11-20T22:14:00.001-06:00

My last post was kind of rude, I'm afraid. I apologize for it.

My problem is, and this is why I can't seem to keep up with my blog, that I have no one recurring theme. I used to have a blog that was just about teaching, and I could handle that. I always had something to say about school. But this blog, this blog has no purpose whatsoever. It is too random. And being random means that I have too many topics to choose from, which means that I almost never know what to write.

Since I have decided this, my new goal is to create a theme for my blog. Any suggestions?

Closing

2011-11-06T21:10:00.000-06:00

Didn't you ever want to know if you were attractive to total strangers? No? I guess I did, because I joined eHarmony a few weeks ago.

It's been an experience that has got me thinking about specifically why I reject or accept men as potential dates. It's actually been quite enlightening.

So you want to hear why I reject men on eHarmony? Of course you do! (We'll call it "closing," it sounds nicer.)

I closed a man because he doesn't like cheese. He doesn't like to see or even smell cheese. I'm thinking, if I date this guy, what am I gonna eat? I already can't eat wheat or eggs. There's no way I'm giving up cheese too!
I closed a few men because they were whiny. On a public profile, I don't think a person should write about how they felt rejected in their past relationships. It comes across as being fragile. I worry that if I reject them later on, they're going to take it really hard.
Honestly, I closed several men because I thought they were unattractive in their pictures. I'm sorry I'm shallow. Shoot me. But I bet they would do the same to me.
I closed a man for his fashion sense. He said he was looking for a "preppy" girl who wears J Crew. Not being a "preppy" girl and having never bought anything from J Crew, I thought it better not to disappoint him with my Wal-Mart styles.
I closed several Men for the same Grammar Mistake: capitalizing Words that didn't need Capitalization. While this was a Common way to Spell in the 1700s, it is no longer the 1700s. Funny, I didn't close anyone for not capitalizing at all.

So if you want to be rejected by me, just be a man who whines, is unattractive, thinks too much about fashion, capitalizes unnecessarily, and hates cheese. :)

Count Your Blessings

2011-10-23T21:13:00.003-05:00

You know the hymn, Count Your Blessings? We sang it at church this morning. And the funny thing is, I didn't have to be reminded this time, because I've been counting my blessings lately.

Blessings can be easy to overlook, especially if one has gotten in a habit of looking at the dark side of life. Lately I've been kinda down because my boyfriend and I broke up. Plus I'm working a lot of hours and it's hard for me to find a margin to take a break in.

But yesterday I had a day clear of activities (finally). I spent some time yesterday morning just thinking about all the things that the Lord has given me. I'm healthy. I have a job. I can pay all my bills and buy pretty much anything I want. I have a running car. I have a house that's my own. I have parents who love me and help me out all the time. I have brothers, sisters, brothers-in-law, a sister-in-law, and nephews and nieces, all of whom I am on speaking terms with and I can depend on for friendship and love. I have a host of friends who are giving and kind. Thinking about all that, it seems that for me to be down or depressed is a reflection on my bad attitude, and not on my life situation.

Yes, I realize that it's OK for me to feel down sometimes. I'm not saying it's wrong to have a bad day, week, or month, even. I think it IS wrong, however, to wallow in that place. It's wrong for me to drown myself in self-pity. Because I'm not to be pitied. I am greatly blessed. :)

Train Wreck

2011-10-14T23:33:00.002-05:00

The train of loneliness
Barreled through, its horn sounding
So loudly, and I didn't see it coming so
I thought I was getting mowed down
At first, but then it wasn't really hitting me,
It hit another person who is me but is not me:
I sneaked off to hide.

News Stories

2011-10-07T21:43:00.002-05:00

I don't know why it was so funny to me, maybe because I have been stressed to the max lately, but today the newspaper was hilarious.

First I read the local paper. There was a story in there about a 92-year-old woman who just had her first novel published. Right in the middle of the article, totally out of context, it said "She has had personal problems all her life." Really. And why is that important? And why would she want the whole county to know that? I started giggling.

Oh yeah, and my DAD had a piece published in the local paper too. The veteran that used to take care of the flags at the cemetery has died, and the piece was a tribute to him plus a invitation for someone else to take on the task. My dad wrote "You could tell he wasn't Baptist because he was too cheerful." My dad is funny.

Then I started to read the Democrat-Gazette. I read about the Amish terrorists. Apparently there has been a feud between these two groups of Amish people, and the one group showed their anger by forcibly cutting off the hair and beards of people from the other group. Amish terrorism... it's scary!

Last of all, I read about the Yellville Turkey Trot Festival. It seems they have a tradition of dropping live wild turkeys from airplanes during the event. Well, as you may have guessed, PETA and the FAA are none too happy with this activity. The FAA has vowed to find the pilots and punish them by taking their licenses away. However, no one in town has revealed the names of the pilots. They "don't know who it is."

Have you read any funny news stories lately? Has the price of gas gone down at your local station? Let me know!

Texting Trouble

2011-08-21T22:03:00.004-05:00

So, seven weeks into my dating relationship, I have learned a few things. Not many things, but a few. One thing I am POSITIVELY sure of is this: texting fosters arguments.

Really, texting is the main source of conflict in my relationship. And the bad thing is, neither of us intend to cause conflict when we text. I'm convinced the trouble is with the mode of communication.

The miscommunication usually occurs when we're discussing something serious. We never have a problem when it's light chit-chat. But when it's serious, there often are two or three or even four ways that the receiver can interpret a text. For some strange reason, the receiver tends to interpret it in a negative light. "Huh? What do you mean you don't know? You must not care about me AT ALL!" Then it's hard for the sender to straighten it out, because usually the sender has no idea where his/her text went wrong.

Another problem with texting is the time lag. So say my boyfriend asks me something serious, and I shoot off an answer. Then maybe he doesn't text me back for 15 minutes. I'm thinking, "Did I just seriously offend him? Does he think I'm an idiot? Why doesn't he answer me!" Then I get more and more anxious until I get another text.

Well, I got really tired of it. Really tired. I got so tired of it, that I told him how it made me feel, and we agreed not to discuss anything important by text messaging. If I feel like I'm getting anxious and confused, I ask him to put off the conversation until we can talk by phone or in person. When we talk about it that way, it's a whole lot easier to catch any miscommunication before someone's (usually mine) feelings get hurt.

What do you think? Does texting cause problems in your relationships, or does it work for you?

Last Days of Freedom

2011-08-01T22:24:00.003-05:00

Here I am again, whiling the last days of summer plumb away. I have five more days of freedom.

So, you ask, what are you going to do with your five days of freedom? (Well, if you didn't ask, I'll just pretend you did.) And I answer this way:

1. I'm going to see my boyfriend. Yes, I have one now, and yes, it is still kinda new to me, but really awesome.
2. I'm going to work in my classroom. I am teaching at a new school this year, and there is a lot to do to get it together. So, yeah, I'm going to spend some of my last days of freedom working. :(
3. I'm going to sleep late. I don't know what else to say about that. I hate getting up at 5:30 and that is what I'm going to have to do for the next nine months. I must take this last opportunity to sleep in.
4. I'm going to make a really awesome slide show about myself that I can show to my students. I might have to make stuff up.
5. I might join a gym. A friend has been bugging me about it for weeks, and I really need to. I might then have the motivation to actually exercise.

Is there anything else I really oughta do?

Neat Boxes

2011-07-21T22:52:00.003-05:00

Being human is, above all, massively confusing.

I feel like my life should be neat and well-ordered, but like my shoe rack, it seldom ever is. Just when I have things packaged into labeled Rubbermaid tubs, something comes along that defies my labeling system.

I used to think that these quirks were outliers, events that had no bearing on the direction of my life, events that could be ignored or tossed aside. But as I get older, I realize that these quirks come along on a fairly regular basis.

So here I am, repackaging my life for the dozenth time. Guess I won't pack it too tightly.

By the way, I have internet service again. (Yay!) Maybe I will do a better job at keeping up with my blog now.

Random Blog Topic Generator

2011-01-14T18:46:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting here at the coffee shop, feeling bored because Hannah is filling out job applications online, and I have checked, rechecked, and triple-checked my facebook.

In order to have a topic to write about, I had to use a random topic generator. I found it on this web site: http://www.blogtap.net/blogtopicgenerator/ . (Warning: the page has a horrible design.) Here is the topic I was given: "Favorite Type of Dog." Favorite type of dog? No way! That is the most boring topic ever! Let's try again.

Next topic: "Italian Art." OK, wasn't Michaelangelo Italian? And did he paint the Sistine Chapel? And that other Teenage Mutant Turtle, Leonardo, he painted a woman who people say is smiling, but she isn't smiling very much, in my opinion. That's all I know about Italian art. Let's try again.

"Making Up Lost Time" is the next random topic. How does one make up for lost time? Is that even possible? I try to make up for lost time fairly often, but I usually just get mad at myself and stop talking to myself for the rest of the day.

How do I waste time? It varies. Right now is a good example. The internet offers innumerable ways to waste time. Television is similar. In either case, I might not be very interested in what I am viewing, but I don't want to bother doing anything else.

In fact, I believe the main reason I waste time is that there is something I am supposed to be doing that I really really really^2 don't want to do. Things like cleaning the bathroom, flossing my teeth, and writing lesson plans fall into this category. These tasks are so unattractive to me that I would rather watch "Doc Hollywood" on TVGN, even with the commercials.

In conclusion, lost time can never be made up. A person can only make wiser decisions in the future. And don't skip the floss.

Christmas Vacation

2010-12-30T17:44:00.002-06:00

Christmas vacation is the best vacation of the year, because it is too short to do anything really productive, but long enough to feel relaxing. And since it's in the dead of winter, I don't feel bad about sleeping late and doing nothing. Still, I managed to do a few things.

I attended two family Christmases: one with my dad's family, and one with my mom's family.
I participated in my church's Christmas program.
I ALMOST finished the dress I started sewing before Thanksgiving.
I paid one bill.
I wrote one card.
I taught the 3rd/4th grade class at my church's three-day Winter Bible School. (Yes, we are weird.)
I made vegetable soup, butternut squash soup, and muddy buddies (aka puppy chow).
I bought Christmas gifts for my dad (I drew his name this year), my grandmother, and my nieces and nephews.
I bought a pair of boots for myself. (Isn't this what Christmas is about?)

Mainly, I tried to relax and enjoy the extra time I have to spend with my family. We don't have to actually be DOING something, we can just be together, right? That's what I think.

P.S. Butternut squash soup is not very good.

Life As I Know It

2010-10-06T18:07:00.003-05:00

It's a rare moment when I am not feeling rushed, and now is one of those moments. I'm hiding in a coffee shop, where no one knows me. It's an hour and a half before I have to be anywhere. They're playing calm music. (Is it not strange that places whose main function is to sell a stimulant are usually quiet and calm?)

I'm currently working as a music teacher at the elementary school in my home town. Since I'm not certified to teach music, I am taking music classes at Harding University. So not only am I doing a new subject, at a new school, with new grades, but I am going to class two nights a week as well. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but I think I am getting used to it now.

I will post again next time I can string two thoughts together.

Update

2010-07-06T12:24:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I haven't updated my blog in a while, and for good reason. I canceled my home internet services since I am moving (I hope) in a few weeks.

The place that I'm moving to, well, it doesn't have DSL, and internet is only available through satellite. (Doggone expensive, too.) I'm still debating whether I will get home internet, phone internet, or no internet. A lot depends on how much I am making when school starts again.

Which leads me to another update, which is not an update. I still don't have a teaching job for the next school year. It's not that I haven't tried, it's just that I've tried and failed. My back-up plan is to be a full-time substitute for the schools in the area. Maybe that will give me an edge on getting an actual position for the 2011-12 school year.

Still working on my house. The sewer's almost done, and I have primed almost all the walls and painted half the ceilings. It's slow, but it's moving.

After having no internet for a month now, I've realized something. I always blamed my time-wasting on my facebook/blog-reading addiction, but that was not completely fair. Technology of any kind is not necessary for me to waste time. In fact, I think that maybe I NEED to waste time in order to reset my brain. That's my current theory, anyway.

Perpetual Project

2010-06-14T22:41:00.003-05:00

I've been out of school for over a week now, but I've been staying pretty busy working on my house. This project is going to eat me. Reminding myself that I'm getting it done bit by bit is the only way I can keep myself from being overwhelmed.

Here's a few things I've learned so far:

1. Don't pick out paint by looking for your favorite color amongst the 7 billion paint chips. Instead find something you like that's going in that room (a picture, a piece of furniture, etc.) and pick colors that jive with it. Also remember that what is bright and cheery on a tiny paint chip is going to be screaming at you when it's all over the walls. I still haven't got up the nerve to actually buy any paint other than primer.

2. Remodeling creates trash. It creates broken pieces of wood with nails sticking out everywhere. It creates packaging lying around. It creates parts of dismantled objects strewn across the room. It creates an old mattress in the back yard. Well, not really. We pushed that one out the door ourselves.

3. Everything I need to buy is expensive. Remodeling may be cheaper than buying new, but it still ain't cheap. I'm pretty sure I'm going to buy used appliances from newspaper ads just for this reason.

4. The best part so far is that I can work for a few hours, then sit back and see what I've done. It's slow, but I can SEE progress. That's good.

Maybe I will get some pictures up here eventually so all of you at home can see it too!

Growing

2010-06-06T20:22:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting a lot lately. In my life, there are several things up in the air right now, and I'm not sure how they are going to work out. There is not much I can do to hurry them along, so I'm left wondering and waiting.

I don't like to wait. Unfinished business stresses me out. Uncertainty scares me. I want to know what is going to happen, and I want to know it now.

God doesn't give me what I want when I want it, though. He wants me to have faith in His work. He's not so much interested in keeping me happy as He is interested in making me holy, and holiness is not a character trait one can pick up at the grocery store. It's a life-long process.

I want to grow fast. I want to jump in and be a spiritual giant all at once. The Lord reminds me that growth occurs little by little. A sapling doesn't become a tree in an hour, a day, or a year, but over a lifetime. In the same way, my growth is occurring a little at a time. I'm extending my branches day by day.

But, oh, am I impatient to get there! And not only that, but I try to grow my own fruit. I nurse along little sucker branches that I know shouldn't be there. Somehow I think that if they grow big enough and strong enough, God will allow them to become part of the tree. I spend precious energy nourishing those branches, just to have the Gardener come along and SNIP them off. Oh, that hurts!

I'm encouraged, though, because I feel like my faith IS growing. Even if it's just baby steps, little by little, inch by inch, it's something. And whether or not my life issues get resolved to my liking or not, I have faith that they will be resolved in the way that is BEST for me.

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-31T21:06:00.003-05:00

o0O 4 More Days of School O0o

Awesome.

It's been a great Memorial Day weekend. I have spent time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, great-aunts, cousins, and some people who I never have figured out the exact relational title. Spending time with relatives is a bit like looking in the mirror, although the image that stares back at you is not EXACTLY like you. It's interesting to see how genetics play out among the different members of the family.

My brother-in-law preached at my church this Sunday. He talked about how we as Christians have to look around us, see what's going on, and make a plan for what we're doing in our Christian walk. After all, the Devil has plans. If we are to be successful at what we do, first of all we need to know what we are attempting to do. Most of the time, and I speak for myself here, we just float along without considering the big picture.

That's it for deep thoughts today. I will have to be more imaginative next week.

Odds and Ends

2010-05-23T20:49:00.004-05:00

o0O 9 More Days of School O0o

Indeed, school is almost done except for final tests and wrapping up of Stuff. You know, very important Stuff like Awards, Turning In of Books, and Cleaning Out of Lockers. Of course, there is also the ever-present desire to have a Free Day. Which is not entirely unattractive to the teacher as well as the student, but the teacher, being the Adult, has to say, Sorry, Kids, No Dice.

Since it is my last year at Clarendon, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic about the whole thing. I even got a bit of moisture in my eyes at graduation on Friday. I keep looking at the kids and thinking about how they're going to grow up, how they're going to have a different teacher next year, how they're going to forget all about me in about 20 days. Yeah.

I still don't have a job lined up for next year. If you know of anything open in my area, drop me a line, please. I have been doing quite a bit of scouting with no luck so far.

In other news, I bought a new laptop. The keyboard went out in my old one. It might be repairable, but I couldn't see going without for two or three weeks. When I realized that the old computer was that far gone, I got a knowledgeable friend to help me pick a new one out. I've been thinking about buying one for a while, but hadn't done it because of the expense. Now I am learning how to use Windows 7. (It's surprisingly similar to Mac OS X.)

Guess I'm ready to be back at school tomorrow bright and early! As I often tell myself, whether the days go badly or well, they will go.

Red + Blue

2010-05-16T20:16:00.003-05:00

run run run
Red runs
Red runs far
come back, Red
Red does not hear

Blue stays
Blue stays home
come back, Red, says Blue
Red does not hear

Blue is sad
Red is too far
Blue does not like it

Red is sad
Red is too far
Red does not like it
Red will run now
Red will run home

No Answers

2010-05-09T21:36:00.002-05:00

o0O 19 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL O0o

Yes, indeed, and only three more Mondays to go because Memorial Day is a holiday. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

I am feeling less stressed now, mainly because I took Friday off and went to see my sister and her new baby for a couple of days. It was very relaxing to play with the niece and nephew and help my sister go shopping. Mommies with small children don't do anything quickly, and that's exactly what I needed, a slow pace. I do have to remind myself often that "more" plus "quickly" doesn't always equal "better."

No real solutions to anything that's been hovering unanswered have appeared. In fact, other unpleasant issues have arisen. But that's OK. I know God is in charge, and I know He loves me. If there is anything to suffer through, I will suffer through it holding His hand, and I know I can make it with Him.

OK, I promise next time I will post on a lighter topic.

HELP!

2010-05-02T21:17:00.004-05:00

o0O 24 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL O0o

I am still stressing. I don't know how to make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

I know I don't have much to worry about. I know that it will all work out. Still, it's like there's something broken in my brain and I can't turn it off. And there's also a big part of me that just wants to escape and not have to deal with life.

Lately I've just felt, well, neurotic. Mainly I just want people to leave me alone. I want to do my own thing without interference. When people (especially my family) disrupt my plans, the grouch monster returns.

I apologize for my rotten mood. It is seriously icky and I need to get rid of it. I would say I'm trying, but I'm really not, cause I've lost all motivation. My Superhero will have to dig me out of this one.

Stress City

2010-04-25T20:48:00.005-05:00

I didn't post last week because I was working on lesson plans clear into Sunday night. I avoided that this week by getting them done early this time. Ergh. I am SO ready for summer vacation.

This week has been full of stressful events. I had an interview for a different job on Tuesday. My sister had a baby on Wednesday, and the baby is still in the hospital from complications. (He should be getting out soon.) I had a date on Friday with a guy I had never been out with before. Then our school prom was Saturday night, and I just couldn't bring myself to go. I just needed some time to chill.
Because of everything going on, I have been even more spacey than normal. For example, yesterday I was going to cook some chicken to make enchiladas with. I put the water on to boil, then an hour and a half later, I walked through the kitchen and noticed the water boiling. I had forgotten I had even started it! Then after I put the chicken in the pot, I forgot about it too. I didn't remember it again until I had already gotten ready for bed. I got up to check the thermostat, and there the chicken was, on the stove, boiling away. I'm so glad I was feeling a bit hot!
I'm trying not to worry about anything. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to trust the Lord. Say, when does this get easier??

This is my new nephew, Logan. I think he has the West nose.

Life Changing

2010-04-11T21:32:00.003-05:00

OK, I admit it, I've become a TLC watcher. It started off innocently enough with "What Not to Wear." Then I kept watching through "Hoarders." Now I want to catch "19 Kids and Counting." When does that come on?

It's so interesting to see people change over the course of the show. I love to see the people on "What Not to Wear" get transformed into more stylish versions of themselves, and I love to see the people on "Hoarders" finally get their houses cleaned up. (Actually, the first part of the show makes me want to clean uncontrollably. I mean, what if I end up like that?)

I'm enamored with the idea of making life better and better and better until finally I have reached the maximum most amazing life ever. Is this an American way to think? It's not very realistic.

My idea of getting better and better needs to be replaced. Instead I need to prioritize more. It's not really necessary that I do everything that I think of to do. If I am busy doing something important (like playing with my nephews, for example), it's not terrible that I didn't do something less important (like washing my car). I guess, really, it's about balance and cutting myself a little slack in some areas, while being a bit more disciplined in others.

I think I'm figuring this out. There is no easy life, we just have to do the best we can with the one we've got.

I'm glad God is gracious, and that He is in control. Otherwise I would become totally psychotic trying to make it all work out.

Ending/Beginning (Because They're the Same)

2010-04-04T20:49:00.003-05:00

...49 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL...

Yes, I am getting ready for this school year to be over. The seniors have about a month left, then they will be gone. We've finished one end-of-course test (literacy), but there are a jillion left to get through (algebra, algebra II, geometry, biology), and there are all the AP tests, the 9th grade norm-referenced test, and the benchmarks for 7th and 8th grades (which luckily won't affect me). Actually, none of the tests affect my subjects at all (a blessing). They just interrupt my classes.

Tests are what we are going to be suffering through over the next 49 days. Then when we finish all of those, we are going to give our own semester tests. And I hope I can squeeze in the rest of the material that I need to cover for the year, especially in Physical Science. Reteaching topics that the students had trouble with slowed us down a lot. (But of course moving ahead when they still don't get it makes about as much sense as putting your shoes on before your socks.)

On the home front, since I have resigned my position for next year, I have been scouting for jobs at schools closer to home. I've had a few jobs turn up, but not a lot. I am feeling a bit nervous, but excited about what next year is going to bring.

I'm also working on my house. I have a mobile home parked on my dad's land. It has electricity hooked up to it, but that's all. It is in no way livable right now, and I really want to be able to move in when school is out June 4th. Before I move in I have to get a driveway laid, the water line run from the meter, the floors redone (they have water damage), the walls painted, and some new appliances put in. That is not the work of one weekend.

OK, so I am going a bit crazy with these tasks swimming around in my head. Maybe I should start a few dozen lists...

It's Not Easy Street, But That's OK

2010-03-28T20:30:00.004-05:00

The Christian life has been compared to a journey, a race, and a battle. Most Christians would say that being a Christian is a learning experience and a test of endurance. No one can say that he is through learning and growing.

I was reminded of this recently when talking to my sister. She told me about a friend of hers that was comparing their Christian lives. Her friend commented that she barely reads the Bible but she has less trouble than my sister, who reads her Bible frequently. Her friend didn't understand this seeming contradiction. Shouldn't my sister be blessed more because of her dedication?

This is a misconception of Christianity. Many people believe that the more you serve Jesus, the smoother your life will be. They believe that if you are close to God, He will send obvious blessings and trouble will never find you.

Maybe that is true for some Christians, but I can tell you it hasn't been for me. In my life I have had trouble, trouble on the outside and trouble on the inside. Whether I was close to God or far from God, it didn't seem to matter. Trouble still came.

The key for me is to remember that I do not serve God to make my life easier. I don't bargain with Him, sacrificing pieces of my life so that He will smooth out the other parts. It's not like that with Him.

Then why do I serve God? I serve God because I love Him. Because I know He loves me. Because even though my life is not smooth, I can see His hand in it. I am learning and growing and stepping higher and higher. I am becoming who I want to be, who I long to be, and He is making it happen.

When I die, it's not going to matter if my life was easy. No one is going to remember me as being a golden child. What people will remember is if I was humble, kind, patient, gentle, loving, honest, and righteous. And when I stand before my Maker, it's going to make all the difference in the world if I can say to Him, "I kept on trying. I kept on getting up whenever I fell. I kept on trusting you, no matter what. I stayed in the fight, the race, the battle." That is what I want.

Japan (Why I Will Never Go)

2010-03-21T21:13:00.005-05:00

I squirmed quietly in the hard airplane seat, trying to stretch my legs out. Through the scratched window, I could see thick gray clouds swirling by. From where I sat, I could reach over and touch my mother's hand on the armrest to my right. My younger sister occupied the window seat. Directly in front of me sat my father, and my brother sat across the aisle. They claimed that having aisle seats was more important than sitting together.

Japan is a mysterious country, a land of apple blossoms and rice paddies. It is a land of skyscrapers and simple farmers. It is a land of tradition and secrets. It was where we were going to spend the next two years of our lives.

But before we could enjoy Japan, we had to endure the fourteen-hour flight there. Personally, my endurance was beginning to run out. The cramped way I had to sit, the filthiness of the tiny airplane toilets, and the endless cycling of stale movies through the back-of-the-seat screen were all starting to get to me. I was ready for it to be over NOW.

I glanced out the window again. A break was visible through the clouds. At first I thought I was looking at darker clouds beneath us, but then I noticed the breaking waves.

The ocean was rising to meet us! I panicked, grasping my mother's hand hard. "We're going down!" I heard myself say. My mother looked at me oddly as the plane hit the water with a gurgle of water and a snap of the wings breaking off.

My Grumpy Cocoon

2010-03-14T20:51:00.005-05:00

I complain too much.

This is a continual thing with me. Often, when I am talking to someone, the first thought that pops into my head is a complaint. There always seems to be something wrong or someone is always getting on my nerves. I'll just face it, I'm plain grumpy.

A few days ago, a friend clued me in to how discontented I am. "You seem downhearted," she said. Oh, no, I thought, really? Did other people think that as well?

It's helpful to get that kind of feedback. I took a step back and reviewed my behavior. Yes, I do complain too much. Yes, I do let my problems suck the joy out of my daily life. Now, what to do about it?

The first thing I did was talk to the Lord. The Lord has promised that I can have joy in my life even when I have problems. If I am not joyful, there is a problem in my relationship with God.

Through prayer I realized that I am resentful because I feel I am not being appreciated for what I do. I realized that I am discontented because I believe I am not getting all that I deserve. I am letting seeds of bitterness grow in my soul and take the place of the good fruits that should be there.

Easy fix? Yes and no. No, because it was hard to own up to that resentment and bitterness. I could not believe that it had gotten that bad! Yes, because once I reminded myself that a loving God gives me everything that I need, the resentment and bitterness melted away.

God is like that, though. I get all cocooned up in some sin, then He takes the time to cut through the mess, and when the light finally shows through, I emerge, wondering why in the world didn't I do that sooner!

The Awakening

2010-03-07T20:48:00.004-06:00

I thought I was dead

I thought that I was buried under a mountain of rocks

Then came the burning, the aching

Then came the sweet shrill song of the new birds

And a cracking and breaking of the dried-out earth

It stirred inside me like a opening seed, pushing up

It brought to me the memory of goodness

Of life, of joy, of heart bursting with love

It surprised me, a little

I had forgotten the rising passion

Suppressed for so long, I thought the germ of life was gone

But as it opened inside me

I opened up around it

I let it engulf me, engulf me and make me new

I have risen again, new like spring

The God of All Comfort

2010-02-28T10:53:00.006-06:00

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. I Cor 1: 3,4

The vital question that a suffering person asks is, why am I going through this pain?

My family is not immune. We are suffering right now with my dad in the hospital for open-heart surgery. Many of us have been asking why.

Dad has strong faith. He believes God. He believes that God is sovereign, and that God keeps His promises. Even though he has strong faith, he questions God's will. God knows we can little afford a hospital bill, and it will be difficult with Dad unable to work.

I think we all realize that God does not always work the way we think He should. He does what is right and true, but in His own way. His purposes and ours do not always merge. For one example, look at the life of the apostle Paul.

Could anyone say that Paul was not a servant of God? Still, he suffered. Paul told the Corinthians that his suffering allowed him to accept God's comfort. After he had been comforted, he was then able to comfort others who were also suffering.

Some of us find it simple to show love and concern to others. On the other hand, we find it infinitely harder to accept the same. We also find it hard to truly sympathize with the pain of others. Through suffering, we become better able both to give and accept charity.

God is good, and through his teaching, I am learning to accept His comfort. I am grateful for His care, and also for the care shown by His people. Through the hands of frail humans the love of God is spread abroad. Though I do not understand perfectly, I trust Him.

Declaration of Independence

2010-02-21T21:37:00.003-06:00

Do you ever feel that guilt runs your life?

I've realized that the guilt factor plays a big part in my daily activities. I feel guilty when I throw things away, let opportunities slide, or fail to do something that I've been asked to do (whether or not I agreed to do it).

This is my Declaration of Independence.

I will no longer fill out surveys for you. No, not you, Wal-Mart, or you, Dollar General, or you, random web site. I won't do it.

I will no longer return product registration cards. No, I will not, despite the threats of not knowing about product recalls.

I will not read emails from politicians or their cronies. I don't need them. Anything they say could be read in the newspaper with less bias.

I will not read forwards, whether text or email. If they're funny, I've probably seen them before. If they're gooey, I do not want to see them.

I will not download "free" products. A synonym for "free" in this case should be "useless."

I will not make my bed. At least, I won't feel guilty when I don't. (I haven't made my bed regularly since 2003, but I feel guilty about it at times. Especially when other people look at it.)

There's nothing wrong with doing any of these things. The problem occurs when these activities take up time that I would rather use doing something else, like spending time with my friends and family.

I refuse to be guilted into mindless, useless, tasks any longer.

Is there something you don't do that you feel guilty about?

My Valentine's Day Post

2010-02-14T21:35:00.004-06:00

I love my students.

You probably wouldn't think so after I've spent a day with them. I tend to get frustrated and tired, and at the end of the day I am completely ready to go home. Still, there's a bond there that can't be denied.

I worry about my students. I worry about the ones who use drugs on a regular basis. I worry about the ones who can barely read and write. I worry about the ones who have young children or babies on the way. I worry about the ones who are used and abused.

I laugh inside when a student says, "You just don't like me." If they only knew that I pour my soul into my work day after day. If they only knew that I cannot allow myself to fail them. If they only knew how I agonize over them when they fail.

I have to remind myself often that it's not my job to always help them. That it's my job to show them how they can help themselves. That it's my job to guide them into being fully capable students. And maybe guide them into being better people.

Finally, I have to remember that I can't change them. They can choose to listen to my teaching, or they can choose to ignore me. It's not up to me, no matter how I feel.

That's a freeing thought. I love them, and let them go.

Stalkers, Take Note

2010-02-07T20:31:00.003-06:00

I feel a rant coming on.

I am frustrated with women who continue to chase men who are not interested in them. The guy has made it totally clear he is not interested. And yet, these women keep thinking about the guy and talking about the guy to anyone who will listen.

Why, oh why would you want a guy who does not want you? What screwed-up kind of relationship would that be? Get a life and get over him!

Men can be just as guilty. It is fine for a guy to ask a girl out two or even three times. But, listen, if she keeps making up stupid excuses not to go out with you, she's probably not interested. You should leave her alone. There are other women out there.

The neediness becomes totally unattractive after a while. In my experience, I've really been annoyed with a guy when he chased me and chased me when I didn't want him. When he stopped trying so hard, then he became more interesting. I don't know why this is, but it is.

I'm not saying don't try to get the girl you want. I'm saying pay attention to her cues, and don't keep pursuing hot and heavy when she keeps turning you down.

And girls, if a guy is clearly not interested, don't hound him. Let him go. After all, men are like buses: if you don't get this one, there will be another one along in a few minutes. :)

There. That's the end of my rant.

Cabin Fever

2010-01-31T20:51:00.005-06:00

It was a long weekend, a very long weekend. School was canceled Friday because of the icy roads. The roads also kept me from going ANYWHERE for the past three days. (Except church, but that's only a couple of blocks from my house.)

Since I couldn't go anywhere, I had to keep myself entertained at home. I'm like a four-year-old when it comes to entertainment. I am easily bored.

On Friday I managed to grade most of my students' papers (I had a four-inch stack), do the laundry, burn off a cd, and watch two movies (House and Groundhog Day). Saturday I finished all my lesson plans for the week and the weekly agenda that I give to the students. I don't think I have ever before finished everything I had to do for school over a weekend, but the snow and ice drove me to it.

By 2 PM on Saturday I couldn't stand to be in the house much longer. Since I was warned against driving, I went for a walk instead, if you can call it a walk. I think I slid more than I took actual steps. I'm still sore. Almost falling dozens of times is better than crunches at working those abs.

Later on Saturday, I decided a project was in order. I have a book of sewing projects using old jeans, and I've been collecting them for a while in preparation for this. Finally I had time to work on it.

What I made was a balloon skirt. The instructions call for one pair of old jeans. The problem is, you are supposed to cut the legs in half for the bottom part of the skirt. Since they are folded under, however, that makes the skirt shorter than I think people would appreciate from me. Instead I used two pair of jeans and didn't cut the legs in half. Viola! A knee-length skirt. Much better on the eyes. I also patched up all the holes in the top part of the jeans with another pair of jeans. (Hey, these jeans were thrown away for a reason!) Oh, yeah, and another alteration was that I had to put a triangle of fabric in the hip area. These weren't my jeans to start with and weren't exactly my size. Picture follows.

I was so happy with my creation (despite being told it should only be worn on Halloween) that I wore it to church Sunday night. (It would have been much warmer if I had leggings to wear under it.)I I felt like a biker chick because ended up wearing a black dress shirt and black boots with it. I don't have a picture of that, unfortunately.

So tomorrow, back to work (assuming I can get there) and no more boredom for a while!

Having Fun at Work

2010-01-24T21:02:00.002-06:00

The best part of teaching is playing games with the students. I love it when a class has a running joke with me, or even when a kid has a running joke with me. It makes the day more cheerful if we can have a little fun.

My 8th period class is one example. At some point, I told them that I thought David Archuleta was cute. Of course, they ran with this. Things have progressed so that now David and I have been dating, engaged, and through a break-up. They add to the story almost daily. I pretend to be annoyed, but I actually think it is rather funny.

Fifth period always tries to outsmart me with some kind of word play. This is my pre-AP class, and they are stretching their mental muscle. Since I've got a few years on them, it's hard for them to catch me, but occasionally one of them does. Then that student is happy for the rest of the period.

One of my favorite games to play is "pretend mad." This is what I do when they are not getting something that I've been teaching for days. I also pull this trick out when they are doing something that's slightly annoying, but not bad enough to get really mad. To be "pretend mad," I put on my actor's hat and get loud and over-dramatic with my hand and arm movements. Basically I gripe them out with a smile on my face. It's similar to how I act when I'm really mad, but they can always tell the difference.

Maybe I complain a lot about my job (and it is difficult), but I do have fun at work as much as I can!

I Was An Idiot... And I Still Am

2010-01-10T21:49:00.004-06:00

Do you ever feel like a straight-up idiot? I do. A lot.

Yesterday I had one of those idiot days. I was taking teaching licensure tests (yes, the dreaded PRAXIS tests). For some reason I did not know all the new rules they have now. (It was probably on the web site in the fine print somewhere. Does anyone ever read all that stuff you have to agree to? I think it would use up 5 years of your life if you did.)

Because of my lack of attention, I failed to realize that cell phones were not allowed. Thus I had mine out while I was checking in. (Hey, I was trying to turn it off.) The proctor told me I would have to set it on another table during the test. Oh well, I thought, I guess it's not the worst thing that could happen.

Later, when I went to the second test of the day, I asked an official-looking woman sitting at a table if I was supposed to check in with her. She said, "No, go check the sign to see where you need to go." So I checked the sign to find the room. Then I tried to go in, but they were still testing in there. Double oops. So the woman jumps up and says, "You can't go in there." Well, I know now, lady, why didn't you tell me before? Then I feel like an idiot again.

So I finally get into the test, and I'm sitting there, waiting for the test to start. The proctor reads an extremely long list of rules. I'm feeling proud of myself because I didn't bring my cell phone to this test. Then she reads: "Mechanical pencils are not allowed."

What??? Why are mechanical pencils not allowed? Can a person cheat using a mechanical pencil? Can they roll up the answers into the barrel and pull them out during the test? Ugh. I place my two mechanical pencils (that I used on the first test) back into my purse. Thankfully, I had picked up a spare regular pencil just in case.

I managed to survive the day in spite of the fact that I was a complete idiot. Whether or not I passed the tests remains to be seen.

Should You Have Skipped Christmas?

2010-01-03T20:38:00.006-06:00

You Know You Should Have Skipped Christmas and Gone to Barbados Instead When

Your sister regifted you with a FunYun-scented candle.
None of the parties you went to served those mini sausages. All they had was sour Kool-Aid masquerading as punch and generic brand cream-filled vanilla cookies.
Instead of a White Christmas, you had a Wet Christmas. Because it wouldn't stop raining.
You got a Christmas card from your brother, but only because he was in prison and didn't have anything else to do. Also, he asked for money to buy Cheetos.
Santa Claus didn't visit your house. It was too far out of the way, so he sent his cousin Larry the Leprechaun. Larry sold your gifts to add to his pot of gold, but still came to eat the cookies and milk.
Your kids got carried away with the Christmas decorations and spray-painted a wreath on the front of your car.
You went to a department store after Christmas to buy discounted Christmas items, but all that was left were Dora the Explorer ornaments and fruitcake.

There, now doesn't your Christmas seem a lot better now?

Always happy to help!

Guess it will be back to work tomorrow; back to the grind and ho-hum. It's all well and good. I was starting to get bored without my chilluns anyway. :)

Why I Never Keep My New Year's Resolution

2009-12-27T21:02:00.003-06:00

How many times have I actually carried through with my New Year's resolutions? Let's see...

One year I resolved to quit drinking coffee. That lasted almost three months, when random cheating lead to complete failure.
One year I resolved to floss my teeth daily. I didn't do it then. I only do it now because I have braces and I want to have teeth left when the braces come off.
One year (it was this year) I resolved to stick to an exercise routine. Uhhh... I still can't run farther than two blocks at a time.

I always know what I need to do. I know I need to listen more, be more flexible, work harder, give more. Knowing is not my hang-up. My hang-up is doing it.

When I read Romans chapter 7, I find the apostle Paul had the same problem. He said, "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not" (v. 18). He goes on to echo more of my thoughts: "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do" (v. 19). Exactly, Paul, exactly!

By verse 24, Paul gets to the question I have asked so many times: "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" Tell me, Paul, what is the answer?

"I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Wait a minute, Paul, is that an answer? You are thanking God? For what? For being a miserable wretch who can't even do the good things you want to do? I don't get it.

And I didn't get it for a very long time. I didn't get it until I realized that I can't do anything good on my own. That it takes a work of Jesus Christ in me to change me. That no matter how much better I might become that I'm still going to be mostly rotten. That Jesus Christ has paid for all my sin, past, present, and future. That more than wanting me to try extremely hard to be good, he wants me to try extremely hard to stay close to him. And I can do that.

Even now, even though I still am unable to do the good things I want to do, even though I still do things I know I shouldn't do, I can say along with Paul, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Words

2009-12-20T20:13:00.003-06:00

When I was born, I was like an empty glass, ready to be filled. And since I was a very little girl, what I wanted to be filled with was words.

I remember when I was five years old that my dad read to me from a book, a chapter book. My imagination was stoked by the words. I begged him every day to read to me more. He was a busy man, though, and he couldn't get through it as fast as I wanted him to. That's when I picked up the book and finished it myself.

After that, my glass must have sprung a leak, because no matter how much I read, I could never be filled with all the words. There were always more books with more stories. I read anything I could get my hands on, rather indiscriminately, I might add. I read through volumes of the encyclopedia. I even tried to read Gone With the Wind. (It was one of my first failures: too long.)

With all that reading, I fell in love with words. There are a vast number of words. There are short ones, long ones, simple ones, complex ones. There are words to express any thought. One book, the dictionary, can even tell you exactly what all the words mean, and how to pronounce them. (I learned to use the pronunciation key because I wanted to use new words without my parents laughing at me.)

What is it about words that hypnotizes me? Is it that the knowledge of great minds can be passed to me through their books? Is it that the authors have the ability to connect with my thoughts and feelings, and in some ways assure me that I am not alone? Is it that I can leave my somewhat boring life for a few hours and be lost in another time and another place? I think all these are true.

All kinds of animals can communicate with one another, with sounds and behaviors. Still, humans are specially gifted with words, and with the ability to record those words forever, as long as the writing is preserved. This, to me, is a wonderful gift from God.

Words have made me richer, stronger, and wiser. I hope my glass never gets full.

My Grown-Up Christmas List

2009-12-15T20:55:00.003-06:00

In the spirit of Christmas, I now offer you... my Christmas list.

I want all my students to come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior. He changed my life, and I want them to know Him too. He offers freedom and forgiveness, love and comfort; everything we need for living an abundant life.
I want to be a better friend. I want to take time to really talk to people, to hear what they say and to be there for them.
I want to get enough sleep every night.
I want to be truly thankful and joyful throughout the day. God has withheld no good thing from me, and there is no reason why I should be bitter or malcontent.
I want to have a husband and start my own family.
I want all my brothers and sisters and "adopted" brothers and sisters to get off to a good start in life, to be happy and serve the Lord in whatever they choose to do.
I want to have my house finished and ready to live in soon.
I want to be content with what I have and ready to give to others what I have freely received.
I know this is against #8, but I really want a new Apple laptop.
And last and least... I always want... itunes credit.

The Real Meaning of Christmas

2009-12-06T16:22:00.004-06:00

The Christmas Wars have begun. I've just heard another person griping about people using the letter X in place of Christ's name in Christmas. This is actually a very old tradition, and was started because the first letter of Christ's name in Greek is the same as the English letter X. It has nothing to do with removing Christ's name and was more of a space-saving measure. (See this web page.)

But my question is, when was Christ ever in Christmas anyway? Nowhere in the Bible are we asked to celebrate his birth. We are asked to celebrate his death through the Lord's Supper, but that's it. Christmas (and Easter) are purely man-made holidays. If you research their roots, you will find they began when the Catholics christianized pagan holidays in order to make conversion for the pagans more palatable.

I'm not against Christmas at all; I'm just tired of the war between Christians and humanists about what Christmas means. Why do Christians think they can convert the lost by harping on and on about Santa Claus and lights and the word Xmas? Let's stick to the Gospel, folks, and let Christmas be.

See Romans 14.

The Good Is the Enemy of the Best

2009-11-29T19:41:00.004-06:00

Sometimes (well, most of the time) when people tell me their dreams, I stop listening right after the "I dreamed" part. I do this because I know it's not going to make any sense, and I'm never going to have to remember it. (I might listen if it's an entertaining dream that includes volcanoes and/or murder.)

That being said, I'm going to write about some dreams that I had. You are perfectly welcome to stop reading after the words, "I dreamed."

A few nights ago, I dreamed that a demon had a stranglehold on me. While it had me in its clutches, it was mocking me, telling me that it had me right where it wanted me. It said I could never get away. As it spoke, its face and voice continuously changed to the faces and voices of people I knew. It seemed to be saying that in my life, it didn't appear as a demon: it appeared instead as something good and pleasant that I enjoyed, but behind the pleasantness, it had me hooked.

It has often been said that the good is the enemy of the best, and I believe this is true. I've been thinking lately about the way I spend my time and wondering if perhaps I am letting the demons win by neglecting important tasks and relationships for more pleasurable activities. The other activities aren't wrong in themselves; but because they are taking up time I should be spending in prayer, Bible reading, and relationship building, maybe they are tools of Satan.

I promise I don't think that all my dreams have meaning. However, I do think that once in a while, what I am consciously or subconsciously thinking about can come through loud and clear in a dream. At times, I think they are worth paying attention to.

So my dream last night? I dreamed I had a newborn baby boy and that I was teaching math at the elementary school. I still haven't figured that one out. ;-)

To Take a Walk, Where Waters Flow

2009-11-24T21:25:00.004-06:00

Why, on an overall good day, do I let little things get me down? On my way home from school I was in a bad mood. Reflecting over it as I drove, I realized it was based on three little annoying things that happened:

The kids said that my hair didn't look as good today as it did yesterday. (Why even bother to mention that, kids?)
A friend sent me a text saying she was going to do something that I thought was a bad idea, but I didn't feel I had the footing to tell her so.
I caught a student with a phone five minutes before the last bell rang. She wouldn't give it up, and, after some other drama, ended up getting suspended from school for a week for insubordination.

This kind of bad mood always compels me to go for a walk/jog. (I jog until I use up all the extra adrenalin, then I walk.) This time I left my phone behind so that I would have nothing to distract me. I just walked and thought.

It picked me up again this time, although it took a little longer than usual. I was determined to walk down to the river, which is about a mile, I guess. I walked down the street where I used to live as a teenager. (Oddly enough, I saw a childhood friend at his mother's house, where we used to shoot hoops in the driveway.) I walked by my old home that's the same, but different. I walked by houses that used to be there, replaced by houses that are new. I walked by trees, and looked up into their crowns to see if mistletoe still grows there. I walked down to the river, the river that is always different, yet the same still. At the river, I watched men loading a rusty barge with grain so that one end sunk down into the water, and wondered how many tons it could hold. I walked by the school, and wondered if someone in this school was wondering who I am, the way I do when I see someone at my school who is not a student. I walked by the old barn, where there used to be goats, but there are none now, and the roof is falling in. I walked by the cotton gin that my great-great-grandfather and great-grandfather ran many years ago, but now is just a brick skeleton.

By this time, I began to get very cold and tired. The wind began to blow harder, and the sun was too low in the sky to be of any help. I had to tie my hood down to keep my eardrums from throbbing. That's when I stopped thinking of anything other than, man, I wish I were home now!

Now the little things aren't bothering me so much. I left them behind somewhere between here and the river.

Why Do I Have to Go to Church?

2009-11-15T20:35:00.002-06:00

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. --Keith Green

On the other hand, if you're not going to church, you're not much of a Christian either. --Me

Raise your hand if you've heard this before: "I believe in God, but I don't like organized religion." Or how about this one, "I don't have to go to church to worship God. I can worship him anywhere." These are just a couple of the many reasons people give for not attending church services.

Let's hit the first one first. Organized religion. Who do they think organized it? Hmmm, well, I believe it was Jesus Christ who did that. Maybe God is in favor of organized religion. Maybe if you don't like organized religion, you are not on God's side.

²⁴And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
²⁵Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
Hebrews 10:24, 25

Now for the second one. Can you really worship God anywhere, in any way? The Samaritans thought they could. They worshipped God, but not in the way the Jews worshipped him. They worshipped in the mountain instead of at Jerusalem as was commanded by the law. Jesus didn't think much of their worship. He said they didn't know what they worshipped.

¹⁹The woman saith unto him, Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet.
²⁰Our fathers worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship.
²¹Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father.
²²Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews.
²³But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.
²⁴God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.
John 4:19-24

Jesus said that two things were necessary for worship of God: spirit and truth. I believe that worshipping in spirit means that I am not making an outward show, but that I am truly worshpping him in my heart. I believe that worshipping in truth means doing it in the correct way. In this time period, we are to worship God along with a body of believers, a church.

²¹Unto [God] be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Ephesians 3:21

People don't want to be part of a church because it's hard. You have to put up with folks that irritate you sometimes. You have to make decisions and be responsible. You have to roll out of bed on Sunday morning and get dressed. You have to be accountable for your actions.

I know. It's hard sometimes. Still, I believe that it's totally worth it.

Fishing for Snakes?

2009-11-08T22:23:00.003-06:00

One of my tweets/statuses this week was this: If I asked God for a fish, why do I keep picking up snakes? It comes from the scripture in Matthew 7 where Jesus says that God will give us the good things that we ask for. He compares God to our earthly fathers. If we ask our earthly father for bread, will he give us a stone? Of course not. If we ask him for a fish, will he give us a serpent? Unthinkable. In the same way, if we ask God for something good, he's going to give us something good.

However, I seem to have a problem believing this promise. I ask God for things often. Some things I have been requesting for many months or years. Sometimes it seems that God is not answering my prayers.

When this happens, I tend to look around to see if I can "find" God's answer. I go rooting around through the dust and dirt, finding "snakes." These are answers that are obviously not God's will for me, but what I think will satisfy my desire.

Picking up those snakes is no fun. Not only do they fail to satisfy for long, they also inject a little poison into my life. Yuk! Why do I keep picking them up?

This reminds me of another story in the Bible: that of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar. God promised Abraham that he would be the father of many nations. Problem was, God was taking a mighty long time to give Abraham and Sarah a child. Sarah got worried. Maybe God wasn't going to give her a child! She had to do something, right?

Sarah worried so much that she asked Abraham to try to have a child by her servant, Hagar. (I suppose Sarah figured that God wouldn't notice the difference between her child and her servant's child.) Abraham did what Sarah asked, and he fathered a son, Ishmael.

Of course, this wasn't God's plan. God planned to bless Abraham through Sarah. He was just waiting until Abraham and Sarah were too old to have children. (God never explains why He did this. I suppose it's not our place to know at this point.) And, in the proper time, Sarah did have a child, Isaac.

Now enters the snake analogy. Ishmael is Abraham's son. Isaac is Abraham's son. One is the son of a servant, the other the son of the free woman. A million difficulties arise, especially since Ishmael is the FIRST BORN son. Yikes! Now Sarah has to get rid of the snake that she picked up. You can read more about that in Genesis 16, 17, and 21.

In my life, I want to avoid picking up snakes. If I am praying for something, I want to be sure that I wait for it. I don't want to get so impatient that I try to make circumstances fit my request when they don't. I know that if I trust God and wait on him, I will receive what is best for me: a fish, not a snake.

Freaky Friday

2009-11-01T19:16:00.002-06:00

Something strange happened Friday. I don't know why. Maybe it was because of the nasty weather, or maybe because most of the less well-behaved children were in In-School Suspension. In any case, on Friday, most of my students were actually sweet to me. They spoke to me like I was a human being. They asked me about my weekend plans. They listened to me when I talked to them. It was great!

This weekend I have done very very little. I put together lesson plans yesterday, but I have not even touched the stack of papers I have to grade. I stayed up until 1:30 (old time) last night randomly surfing the internet. I wasn't even enjoying it that much, I just didn't want to go to bed.

This means that this week I am going to have to work like crazy to catch up. (Yeep!) On top of that, my church has a meeting almost every night this week.

But there is one bright spot. We get out on Thursday and Friday for professional development and the AEA meeting. Neither of which I have to do. Yay for days off!

OK, I'll bring this rambling, non-informative blog post to a close.

Grown-Up Bullies

2009-10-25T21:42:00.003-05:00

I will never understand some people.

Today I experienced an act of veiled vindictiveness. This is from a person that I barely know, but for some reason doesn't like me. I happened to see her today. She began to talk to me (which was odd, because usually she pretends I don't exist). I realized why she was talking to me after I heard what she had to say. She mentioned some publicly known circumstances that might put my job in jeopardy in the future. She didn't say it outright, but it was clear to me that she was exulting in the fact that I might lose my job.

You know, I prefer that people who hate me just let me know outright. These little digs and jabs are incredibly stupid. Who are they trying to fool? Are they planning to deny they said anything wrong? Who's going to accuse them? Not me.

My master plan has always been to totally ignore hurtful comments. My observation is that if a bully knows she is getting to you, it makes her work harder. But if she thinks that no one notices her little innuendos, she gets deflated and quits.

What do you do when people cut you with nasty comments?

Education

2009-10-18T20:19:00.002-05:00

I don't understand the U.S. education system.

I thought it would get clearer as I learned more about it, but in fact, it has become more and more confusing. In addition to being confusing, it seems to be just plain stupid at times.

One example: the federal government (and to some extent, the state government) really pushes technology. They even pay for most of our technology (smartboards, calculators, subscriptions to web educational services). However, we don't have enough people working on our technology to set it up and keep it working. I suppose there's no money for that; I'm not sure. So all this lovely technology ends up being practically useless because it's not working.

Another example: the state is trying to get students to make gains on standardized tests. That's good. But in their effort to improve education, they ask us teachers to complete scads of paperwork. When are we supposed to do all this paperwork? We already spend hours outside of school getting lessons together and grading student work. I can probably speak for most teachers when I say we just throw something together at the last minute to turn in. Does this help the students? Not likely.

Most of the projects they ask us to do are good projects. The sheer number of them, however, overwhelms. I have often said, and I will stand behind this, that only a superperson could complete everything that a teacher is asked to do.

Honestly, the state and federal government could improve education by encouraging families to stay together. Nothing too drastic, perhaps make divorces harder to get? I suppose it would be too much to ask for our government to take a moral stand. In the meantime, the educational system is being pulled in seventeen different directions, none of which is going to improve education.

Why I Can't Write an Interesting Blog Post Today

2009-10-11T20:25:00.002-05:00

Maybe I should blog on Friday nights instead of Sunday nights. On Fridays my head is buzzing with the events of the week, but by Sunday, I have mellowed into a perfectly relaxed person who is content with letting things be. And being content is not a good beginning for writing anything.

The creative process germinates in restlessness. At least it's that way for me. It's those times when I would rather be punching someone that I can really write something good. When I am perfectly happy, my writing is perfectly bland.

This is probably why the most creative people are also some of the hardest people to understand. They seem to be driven to create by some kind of inner turmoil. The examples are endless: Van Gogh, Poe, Mozart, Picasso - all of these creative geniuses were, shall we say, crazy.

I'm not saying that I'm a creative genius in any way, but perhaps I do have something in common with these people. For me, getting my frustration out through creating something helps me deal with anxiety and stress. Maybe it is the same for them.

What helps you to be more creative?

A Control Freak's Poem

2009-09-27T21:34:00.003-05:00

Control
I will it to be mine.
I give myself all things,
And they are mine.

Control
Pleasing is my goal:
To please you and you and you,
And myself too.
I feel myself stretching thin thin
Thin like a balloon with too much air.

Control
Where is my control?
I am angry, sad, and stop stop stop!
I did not mean to say that to her!

Control
I don't think I have it.
I think that all these people
Are pushing the buttons
On my remote.

Control
Who is in charge here?
I think I know now;
It's not me.

Control
God is in control.
This sparrow cannot fall,
This daisy cannot wilt,
Without his knowledge.

I am a bird of the air;
I am a lily of the field;
I am no longer in control;
I trust in my Maker.

Saving My Day

2009-09-20T20:06:00.002-05:00

I have a melancholy temperament. This doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but I do tend to easily fall into bad moods. When a bad mood hit me, I used to wallow in it, but lately I've learned to do some self-examination that helps me feel better.

I did this last week. It was the end of the school day, and I was in a black mood. When I realized that I was upset, but didn't know specifically why, I began to rewind through my day to figure out what exactly went wrong. I finally narrowed it down to something the principal said to me earlier in the day. From there, I decided that it probably wasn't intended to hurt my feelings, and that I should probably not let it ruin my day. After that, even though I still felt bad about that particular thing, I was able to segment it off from the rest of my life, and move on with a better attitude.

Knowing the reason why I am sad, upset, or angry has helped me to address the issue specifically. It also keeps me from blowing up on other people because I have failed to deal with my own problems. I don't know when or why I started doing this, but I highly recommend it.

You may have been doing this all along, and wonder what kind of weirdo I am. I'll just admit that I am way more likely to ignore my feelings than to address them. For me, this is a big step.

Do you have any other strategies for dealing with bad moods? (Well, besides eating chocolate.)

Choosing Christ

2009-09-13T21:12:00.002-05:00

The sermon this morning at church was from the passage in Philippians where Paul says that he counts all his worldly accomplishments as losses, that he might gain Christ (Phil. 3:7,8). I was sitting in the pew reflecting on all the things I've been striving for this week, and wondering how many of them were important in eternity.

It's easy to chase the rainbow and let that be the first priority in my life. It's harder to be humble and seek the good of others and the glory of God.

I think the Devil puts in in my head that certain achievements are high priority. He makes me feel that if I don't get these things, then I am missing out. I feel I need to put all my time and energy into these projects.

Now, don't get me wrong. What I strive for is not always bad on its own. It is good, for example, to be a good employee. It is wrong, however, to let being a good employee keep me from following Jesus wholly.

Here I have two alternatives. Satan wants to tie me down, to keep me running like a hamster on a wheel. Jesus wants to set me free; for in doing His will, I find ultimate freedom from the pressures of life and carnal desires.

I pray that day-by-day I will have the wisdom to toss aside all other endeavors, and choose Christ.

My Banned Books List

2009-09-06T20:17:00.004-05:00

I admit, I was more than a bit angry and annoyed today by something that was partially my fault.

What happened was that I bought a book from the bookstore just because it looked interesting. It was in the fantasy genre, which I totally love. And there was a picture of a sword on the cover. How could I resist? I skimmed through the pages, and didn't see anything objectionable. When I checked the back and saw it cost less than $10, I decided to buy it.

Last night, even though I should have been grading homework, I started reading this book. It was everything I could ask for in a fantasy novel. Colorful characters, intriguing plotline, a dash of romance-- this book had it all. 1 AM found me still reading.

Skip forward to today, after lunch. I pulled the book back out, got a few more chapters in, then had to stop. The male lead character was seducing the female lead character. She had told him she never intended to marry, and he replied that he would take her any way he could get her. Then they have sex.

Yikes! This is not the kind of book I want to read OR want my younger sisters to pick up and read. Thus I immediately trashed it.

Then I started to have a mental debate. Not about this particular book, because it had no redeeming qualities, but about other books. I have been OK with reading other books where characters have had sexual relationships. I was trying to decide what exactly it is about a book that makes the difference.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

What is the author saying about the relationship? Does he approve of fornication, or is he speaking against it. (Example: in Anna Karenina, Anna commits adultery, but the author is contrasting Anna's sad, selfish life with the life of another young woman who is true to her husband.)
How graphic are the actual words? There is a big difference between suggesting a sexual relationship and describing a sexual relationship. (By the way, one of my problems with Twilight was that it went overboard in describing sexual feelings and desires, even though the characters never actually have sex.)

Many people I know will probably think I am too strict. I am OK with that. I have my own conscience to live with. It doesn't matter to me if another person thinks I am self-righteous because I don't feel that I am. And honestly, some things can be OK for some people, but not for others.

What do you think? What standards do you use for judging books? Have you ever had to stop a book in the middle because it didn't meet your standards?

I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes. Psalm 101:3

Going Into the Third Week of School

2009-08-30T22:42:00.003-05:00

The good news is, my school reverted back to the old lesson plans (that were quicker to complete). The bad news is that I still didn't get everything finished last night like I wanted to. It only took me an hour and a half to finish up tonight, though. (If I had remembered to bring home all the papers I need to grade, it would have taken significantly longer.)

The beginning of the school year has been suprisingly easy so far. I have had some problems with some classes, but nothing like last year. The kids have been fairly compliant and I have only sent three students to the office for discipline. I hope it stays this way for the rest of the year.

The best part of being a second-year teacher is that I have already taught my subject once. I just have to review a bit, revamp the lesson by throwing away what didn't work last year and adding some new touches, and voila! I am ready for class.

It's past my bedtime. 5:30 comes early. Goodnight all!

Sorry, I'm Too Busy For You

2009-08-23T20:32:00.002-05:00

There are many topics I could possibly post about. However, I am a bit behind on getting my lesson plans together for tomorrow. (Saturday night just wasn't long enough!) Our new lesson plans are much more detailed than our old ones were; guess I will have to budget extra time for that. I'm hoping this will save me time during the week, since I will only have to get materials together and grade papers. But in any case, I don't have time to put a blog post together. Maybe tomorrow?

Back to School

2009-08-16T20:33:00.003-05:00

School starts on Wednesday. I'm planning to spend tomorrow and Tuesday getting my room straightened up and getting things together for the first days.

Our Open House was last Thursday. I was encouraged at the number of kids and parents who came out to the school. I bet I had 15-20 students who came by. Everyone seemed upbeat and ready for school to start.

Of course, I have one year of teaching behind me. In light of that year, I have compiled a list of

Things I Want to do Differently This Year:

I want to start the year off more organized. Last year, I tried to be organized, but because half the time I had no idea what I was doing, I often made up assignments on the fly. Then I didn't emphasize enough the projects that I really wanted to be done well (like their binders). This year, I am probably going to spend half a class period just discussing the binders (what needs to go in them and exactly how they need to be organized).
I want to be more encouraging. I started off cheerful and optimistic last year, but as the year went by, and I got bogged down in teacher stuff, I became, well, a grouch. It took me half the summer to recognize and get over that. I am going to watch my attitude, pray a lot, and do my best to keep smiling this year.
I want to be more helpful to low-performing students. I had several kids who failed last year, and while some of them did very little or no work, and thus probably couldn't be helped, there were some who I could have worked with more. I am going to try to identify the failing kids early on in the semester and get them the help that they need to pass my class.
I want to share Jesus with my students. Yes, I know that the classroom is not a place to "preach," but I have many many opportunities to share my faith and my moral values with my students on a daily basis. I want to be open to those opportunities. I want them to know that I am who I am because Jesus is who He is. I want them to know that they can have God's peace and joy in their lives too. (Another reason why I need to work on #3.)

This is just a short list. There are dozens of other aspects of my job that I am going to work on this year. I think I'm ready!

Shouldering A Burden

2009-08-09T21:33:00.003-05:00

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1, 2

Lately it seems like I've been bearing a lot of burdens for other people. Some things have been going on with friends and family that have just been heavy for me.

Part of the problem goes back to my idea that I can take care of things, that anything can be solved, given enough thought. When someone shares their burden with me, I start trying to solve it for them. This usually results in an earache for them, and a headache for me.

My premise is not true, though. I sometimes can give good advice, but usually, I can't help at all. I am not able to DO anything, except listen and pray.

This really bothers me, though, because now I am carrying around the pain and heartache as well as the person who shared it with me. It hurts, it really, really hurts.

The Bible says doing this is fulfilling the law of Christ. I suppose it means when Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Maybe it is a form of love to listen and to care about the burdens of others. Maybe I don't have to have an answer. Maybe I can just be kind, listen, and love them.

What do you think?

Empowered... But Somehow Emptier

2009-08-02T20:28:00.003-05:00

Urgh! I am sick of watching shows and reading books about women becoming empowered. I need to figure out why this bothers me so much. Read on for a little (poorly done) psychoanalysis.

I started thinking about this while I and my siblings sang songs from The Little Mermaid last week. The hidden message in The Little Mermaid is obviously female empowerment. (I would say the empowerment of women, but I don't think a mermaid is a woman.) Think about these lines: "Betcha on land, they understand, and they don't reprimand their daughters/Bright young women/Sick of swimmin'/Ready to stand." It was Ariel's choice to become human, and she did it, despite her father's command to stay in the sea.

Then, while I was sitting here trying to think of a good topic for this post, I started watching a movie on Hallmark. In this movie, Mrs. Washington Goes to Smith, the lead character is a woman in mid-life, going back to college. Mrs. Washington asks her roommate, a 20-year old character, for advice about dating. "Don't be passive," Zoe tells her, "Don't wait for him to call, call him. Be persistent." Which, of course, Mrs. Washington goes out and does, which lands her a man and allows her to dump her philandering husband.

Why does this rub me the wrong way? I guess because the more empowered women get, the more passive men seem to be. It is backwards from what really works. Do men like it when women pursue them? Do women like pursuing men? Is it a good idea for young ladies to ignore the advice of their fathers? Would the world be better off if women were more like men, and men were more like women?

I don't think so.

I appreciate men who treat me like a lady, not like another dude. When they open the door for me, it makes me happy. When they ask if they can carry my stuff, I almost always say yes.

I somehow think that the reverse is true as well. I bet men appreciate ladies who act like ladies, not like men. I bet they would like it if we allowed them to make decisions for themselves. I bet they would like it if we asked them for advice, then heeded it.

If you think my ideas are totally sexist, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if your way of thinking holds up in reality. Ask yourself if you have been brainwashed into this whole female empowerment bit.

And lighten up. At least you're not a mermaid who sold your voice to an octopus witch.

Lost in Austen

2009-07-26T21:53:00.003-05:00

I don't know how your summer's been, but mine's been full of Jane Austen. I've watched Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma at least three times each over the past weeks. I re-read Emma. I even read a non-Jane Austen sequel to Pride and Prejudice. (Which I do not recommend, by the way.) I've also suffered a compulsion to buy the weirdly titled Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which adds a little of the macabre to Elizabeth and Jane's simple world. (I haven't bought it yet, but I'm afraid I will soon.)

Usually I'm not a fan of gushy romance novels. Reading about totally unrealistic people and their relationships tends to give me indigestion. Austen's books are different, though. On one hand, the setting and the plot are totally unrealistic, especially for an American of the 21st century. (Really, how many times have I been to a ball?) On the other hand, the books are extremely realistic in their portrayal of human characters.

A perfect example of realistic characters is the scene in which Mr. Woodhouse and his oldest daughter pit their respective doctors against one other. I have heard conversations in exactly the same vein that were discussed by people that are very near and dear to me. (I have also shared in Emma's total disinterest with the topic.)

Another reason to enjoy Austen's books is the biting wit of the major characters. Don't I wish I could have conversations like theirs with my friends? (Sorry, friends, I'm not that witty.) The crisp prose tends to rub off on me too. Honestly, today I actually said to someone, "Sorry to trouble you."

The predicaments of the young ladies in her stories also strike a chord with me. I, like they, am unmarried. Getting acquainted with the right men can sometimes be a challenge (oh, WHO will introduce me?). Sometimes I get acquainted with men who aren't what they claim to be (like Mr. Wickham). And the course of love never runs straight. There are always obstacles, like friends who oppose the match (Jane and Mr. Bingley), other females who are plotting to get the man (Emma and Mr. Knightley), and secret engagements (Elinor and Mr. Ferrars) (well, not really on that last one, although there are married guys who can't seem to remember that they're married).

Now, where is that Mr. Darcy? A girl like me could use 10,000 a year.

A Message from God

2009-07-19T21:25:00.003-05:00

I did something last week that was really idiotic. I'm not going to go into detail about it because it would be too embarrassing, but it was completely unintentional. The worst part is that I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for my mistake.

I was stewing about this while driving and listening to one of my favorite podcasts, the Boundless Show, when a song starting playing. I don't know who sings the song, nor do I remember the tune or the exact words, but I do remember the gist of the song. It said, No one told me I would make mistakes, No one told me it was OK to grieve them. It was like God sent the message straight to me.

Often when I screw up, I get emotionally and mentally tied up in my mistake. I have a hard time letting it go and moving on with my life. I replay and revisit and decide what I should have done instead. In a way it's good to consider situations in hindsight because the situation might come again, but somehow I manage to get totally entrenched in them.

When I heard the song, I felt like God was telling me that it was OK to let go of my struggle. Sure, I made a mistake. Sure, it might have been prevented. But at this point, nothing I could do could amend for my mistake, and wallowing around in it was not helpful.

Maybe you think that this is an elementary concept. Maybe you learned this a long time ago. But maybe you didn't, and this will help you today, just like the song I heard helped me.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

2009-07-05T21:20:00.004-05:00

This is my second attempt at starting a new blog. I just didn't like the other one, so I got rid of it. I'm going to stick with this one... I think.

I've had a lovely summer so far. I haven't done anything strenuous. Basically, I've done whatever I wanted for the last five weeks.

This year, it was my goal to do nothing during the summer because I have been working very hard for the past year. The unplanned time has been relaxing, but I've already decided that next year, I will either go on a long trip (maybe do summer missions) or get a part-time job. It's only because I am getting a little frustrated with my inability to finish things I start without a strict schedule.

The strange thing is that I feel like I have been doing a lot this summer, but when people ask me what I have been doing, I never can think of anything interesting to tell them. I guess this is what stay-at-home moms feel like. They're always working on things that seem too small to mention.

It's also strange because although I feel like I well deserve a summer-long vacation, I feel somewhat guilty for not "doing" anything over the summer. I wonder if people are looking at me like I'm some kind of bum. I'm still convincing myself that I don't care.

OK, I've got to go and do some "little" tasks like washing the dishes, straightening up the house, and washing clothes.