Life Is Weird

Life is weird.

Life is weird because as soon as I think I know what I'm doing, then my circumstances change and I get lost again.

Life is weird because what I thought would hinder me on my journey actually serves to spur me on.

Life is weird because in the midst of some pretty awful stuff I also experience very amazing stuff.

Life is weird because my preconceptions are constantly on trial.

Life is weird because even though I know God is good, I still wonder if I'm good enough for Him to be good to.

Life is weird because the closer I get to a goal, the more I question its validity.

Life is so weird, that I give up, I quit. I'm no longer going to try to hold it all together. The seams keep rending, and the patches peel.

That's right, did you hear that, Life? No more.

Life is weird because it doesn't listen to me.

It's Me Again

Yeah, I haven't updated my blog in four months. No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. It was a little over four months ago that I became Mrs. B (and so am no longer actually Miss W). Things have been super busy and super crazy since then.

After our honeymoon, Mr. B and I settled into a one-bedroom garage apartment. Cozy, but not bad for two. He had made an offer on a house, and had even signed a contract to buy the house, but the bank was dragging its feet. So we made the apartment work.

At the beginning of the summer, we stayed pretty busy with church stuff, working in our church's VBS. Then things started to go a bit haywire when we disagreed with some doctrine that our pastor was teaching. We ended up leaving our church. Now we're attending a different church that I think we will join soon.

It didn't help that Mr. B's family all went to our old church. We not only were estranged from our church friends, but also family relationships were a little strained. It's better now, but I really stressed about it for a few weeks.

Finally, our house deal went through. We were pretty happy about that. We closed in September, and we had applied for the loan in April! But our house was in no way move-in ready. It requires quite a bit of work (water, roof, paint, floors), which we're still doing. The good news is that it appraised for $50,000 more than what we're planning to spend on it.

In the meantime, we found out that we are expecting our first child. If everything goes well, our little one should arrive in late May. I'm very happy to be having a baby. It's something I've wanted for a while. But man, have I ever been sick! I have been tired and nauseated every day for the past three weeks.

In addition to having my food restricted because of pregnancy and my old allergy (gluten), I've also developed a new allergy. Yep, now I cannot eat corn. It breaks me out and makes me super itchy. So this poor, nauseated, pregnant woman can't eat ice cream or regular bread or even sodas. It's been awful.

Like I've told my husband, we've been through a lot in a short period of time! But we are learning to work as a team, to help each other and depend on each other. He is a terrific husband. He does everything he can to take care of me. Our circumstances have not been perfect, but with the Lord's help, we are doing just fine.

Not Saying Goodbye

I don't know how to say goodbye

To the girl at the coffee stand,

Or the trainer at the gym,

Or my mother.

2.9 million people work, eat, and dream with me;

I don't know them all,

But there are invisible spider threads joining us,

And how do I disconnect these lines?

I don't know how to say goodbye.

And, it's true, I can't figure out the right syntax,

The correct arrangement of consonants and vowels,

Just the right tone and facial expression

That would help me say it.

I don't know how to say goodbye.

Instead I pretend that I'm not leaving.

I never say anything final

Or even cry.

The Potter

Lord, shape me

Upon Your wheel;

Move me, change me,

Take me higher up.

I will lose my self-will.

I will send my pride away.

I will meekly accept Your will.

I will choose to be humble.

I trust You to create in me

The beauty that I long for.

I trust You to skillfully craft

A vessel of honor

Fit for Your use.

The Stoic One

I take it in the gut, every time

When I'm the recipient, the acceptor,

The bearer of another's burden.

It's then I falter, stretching for a handhold,

Leaning, tilting, trying not to fall, knowing,

She can't hold me up.

And so I take it, take the dagger to the stomach

With not a whimper (because I can't afford a whimper),

I keep talking through my teeth until I find space

To limp away and lick my wounds.

It's difficult, although I'm trying not to whine;

(See, it's not my place to whine;

I'm the stoic one).

When I'm wounded this way, I need a soft place to fall, but

I'm the only me that I know.

Nothing

For 40 minutes I tried to write... and for 40 minutes I got nothing useful. It happens sometimes. I imagine even Shakespeare had days like this.

The Mask

A danger, named, is robbed of

The worst kind of fear: uncertainty.

Whether a giant or small monster,

Or child looms behind the mask

I can't know.

And when I am uncertain, I can't

Step forward this way or that, only

Hole up in my footprints waiting for

A message that may never have been mailed.

Each day the quizzes twist my brain,

Twist my thinking until nothing seems upright.

It's only when I remember that God is never uncertain,

Never unknowing, never unloving,

That I condense into one whole trusting self, and

Move onward, unafraid.