noun [kuh-thahr-sis], plural catharses [kuh-thahr-seez]
1.the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music. (Dictionary.com)
Writing has always been my main form of catharsis. Not only does it relieve me from the weight of my emotions, but it also pulls the strings of my thoughts into a logical pattern.
The rest of this post is my catharsis.
Since I've been married, I have not worked full-time. It was a decision that Chris and I made together, considering a lot of different factors, and it has worked very well for us. Knowing that we made the right decision is not hard. The hard part is evaluating and coming to terms with my emotions and expectations about working inside and outside the home.
On the front end, I don't blame anyone else for my own feelings. They are mine, and though our culture has probably shaped them, they are still mine alone. Please don't get offended and think that I am angry at you or anyone else, because I'm not. I'm only myself, trying to figure out my own life.
Since I have stopped working full-time (I substitute teach three days a week during the school year), I have struggled with my value as a person. It seems that for the years that I was working, I derived my value from my paycheck. If my employer thought I was valuable, then surely I was valuable! But now I get no paycheck for what I do. I cook and clean and run errands and try to make a comfortable home, but no one cuts me a check at the end of the month. And somehow that makes me feel like maybe I'm not valuable anymore.
Another wall that I have hit is that I have lost my self-identity. As a working person, my identity was found in my job. To the question "Who are you?" I might answer, "I am a teacher." Now that I am no longer a teacher, I find that question harder to answer. I should be able to say, "I am a wife," but I think of all the wives who have more hats than I do, and I think that only being a wife is not enough for my whole self-identity.
Then, of course, there is the problem of the running commentary in my mind of what other people are thinking about me. I know that it's mostly the product of my own imagination, though I do get the occasional "What do you do all day?" and "I hope you can find something soon." My running commentary tells me that other people think I am lazy or self-centered, and I am shamed.
What is the solution? I suppose I'm still figuring that out. Here's what I've got so far.
1. I've got to stop valuing myself based on externals like a salary, tasks crossed of a to-do list, and general non-focused busyness. My value is in who I am as a person and a child of God, not in what I have or have not done. I am responsible to use my life in service to God and my family, but that is not what gives me my value.
2. I've got to find creative ways to express myself as a wife, so that being a wife will be an acceptable identity for me. If I only focus on the monotonous part of my role, like laundry (ugh!), then being a wife will seem small in my eyes. But if I can get a bigger focus, if I can use my time to make a beautiful, welcoming, loving home, then being a wife will become a challenge to pour myself into.
3. I've got to stop allowing myself to "talk" for other people. I can't read another person's mind. Why should I imagine that they think I am lazy? Maybe they wish they were in my shoes instead. And for those people who ask what I do all day, I've got to remember that I don't have to justify myself to anyone but God and my husband. If I paint my toenails all day, it's none of their business!
Writing this has clarified my thoughts and helped me put my emotions where they belong. Thanks for coming along with me for the journey. Are there ways that you have combated feelings of worthlessness or lack of identity? I welcome your feedback.
For further reading, you might check out Matt Walsh's blog post, "You're a stay-at-home mom? What do you DO all day?
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