Grown-Up Bullies

I will never understand some people.

Today I experienced an act of veiled vindictiveness. This is from a person that I barely know, but for some reason doesn't like me. I happened to see her today. She began to talk to me (which was odd, because usually she pretends I don't exist). I realized why she was talking to me after I heard what she had to say. She mentioned some publicly known circumstances that might put my job in jeopardy in the future. She didn't say it outright, but it was clear to me that she was exulting in the fact that I might lose my job.

You know, I prefer that people who hate me just let me know outright. These little digs and jabs are incredibly stupid. Who are they trying to fool? Are they planning to deny they said anything wrong? Who's going to accuse them? Not me.

My master plan has always been to totally ignore hurtful comments. My observation is that if a bully knows she is getting to you, it makes her work harder. But if she thinks that no one notices her little innuendos, she gets deflated and quits.

What do you do when people cut you with nasty comments?

Education

I don't understand the U.S. education system.

I thought it would get clearer as I learned more about it, but in fact, it has become more and more confusing. In addition to being confusing, it seems to be just plain stupid at times.

One example: the federal government (and to some extent, the state government) really pushes technology. They even pay for most of our technology (smartboards, calculators, subscriptions to web educational services). However, we don't have enough people working on our technology to set it up and keep it working. I suppose there's no money for that; I'm not sure. So all this lovely technology ends up being practically useless because it's not working.

Another example: the state is trying to get students to make gains on standardized tests. That's good. But in their effort to improve education, they ask us teachers to complete scads of paperwork. When are we supposed to do all this paperwork? We already spend hours outside of school getting lessons together and grading student work. I can probably speak for most teachers when I say we just throw something together at the last minute to turn in. Does this help the students? Not likely.

Most of the projects they ask us to do are good projects. The sheer number of them, however, overwhelms. I have often said, and I will stand behind this, that only a superperson could complete everything that a teacher is asked to do.

Honestly, the state and federal government could improve education by encouraging families to stay together. Nothing too drastic, perhaps make divorces harder to get? I suppose it would be too much to ask for our government to take a moral stand. In the meantime, the educational system is being pulled in seventeen different directions, none of which is going to improve education.

Why I Can't Write an Interesting Blog Post Today

Maybe I should blog on Friday nights instead of Sunday nights. On Fridays my head is buzzing with the events of the week, but by Sunday, I have mellowed into a perfectly relaxed person who is content with letting things be. And being content is not a good beginning for writing anything.

The creative process germinates in restlessness. At least it's that way for me. It's those times when I would rather be punching someone that I can really write something good. When I am perfectly happy, my writing is perfectly bland.

This is probably why the most creative people are also some of the hardest people to understand. They seem to be driven to create by some kind of inner turmoil. The examples are endless: Van Gogh, Poe, Mozart, Picasso - all of these creative geniuses were, shall we say, crazy.

I'm not saying that I'm a creative genius in any way, but perhaps I do have something in common with these people. For me, getting my frustration out through creating something helps me deal with anxiety and stress. Maybe it is the same for them.

What helps you to be more creative?

A Control Freak's Poem

Control
I will it to be mine.
I give myself all things,
And they are mine.

Control
Pleasing is my goal:
To please you and you and you,
And myself too.
I feel myself stretching thin thin
Thin like a balloon with too much air.

Control
Where is my control?
I am angry, sad, and stop stop stop!
I did not mean to say that to her!

Control
I don't think I have it.
I think that all these people
Are pushing the buttons
On my remote.

Control
Who is in charge here?
I think I know now;
It's not me.

Control
God is in control.
This sparrow cannot fall,
This daisy cannot wilt,
Without his knowledge.

I am a bird of the air;
I am a lily of the field;
I am no longer in control;
I trust in my Maker.

Saving My Day

I have a melancholy temperament. This doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but I do tend to easily fall into bad moods. When a bad mood hit me, I used to wallow in it, but lately I've learned to do some self-examination that helps me feel better.

I did this last week. It was the end of the school day, and I was in a black mood. When I realized that I was upset, but didn't know specifically why, I began to rewind through my day to figure out what exactly went wrong. I finally narrowed it down to something the principal said to me earlier in the day. From there, I decided that it probably wasn't intended to hurt my feelings, and that I should probably not let it ruin my day. After that, even though I still felt bad about that particular thing, I was able to segment it off from the rest of my life, and move on with a better attitude.

Knowing the reason why I am sad, upset, or angry has helped me to address the issue specifically. It also keeps me from blowing up on other people because I have failed to deal with my own problems. I don't know when or why I started doing this, but I highly recommend it.

You may have been doing this all along, and wonder what kind of weirdo I am. I'll just admit that I am way more likely to ignore my feelings than to address them. For me, this is a big step.

Do you have any other strategies for dealing with bad moods? (Well, besides eating chocolate.)

Choosing Christ

The sermon this morning at church was from the passage in Philippians where Paul says that he counts all his worldly accomplishments as losses, that he might gain Christ (Phil. 3:7,8). I was sitting in the pew reflecting on all the things I've been striving for this week, and wondering how many of them were important in eternity.

It's easy to chase the rainbow and let that be the first priority in my life. It's harder to be humble and seek the good of others and the glory of God.

I think the Devil puts in in my head that certain achievements are high priority. He makes me feel that if I don't get these things, then I am missing out. I feel I need to put all my time and energy into these projects.

Now, don't get me wrong. What I strive for is not always bad on its own. It is good, for example, to be a good employee. It is wrong, however, to let being a good employee keep me from following Jesus wholly.

Here I have two alternatives. Satan wants to tie me down, to keep me running like a hamster on a wheel. Jesus wants to set me free; for in doing His will, I find ultimate freedom from the pressures of life and carnal desires.

I pray that day-by-day I will have the wisdom to toss aside all other endeavors, and choose Christ.

My Banned Books List

I admit, I was more than a bit angry and annoyed today by something that was partially my fault.

What happened was that I bought a book from the bookstore just because it looked interesting. It was in the fantasy genre, which I totally love. And there was a picture of a sword on the cover. How could I resist? I skimmed through the pages, and didn't see anything objectionable. When I checked the back and saw it cost less than $10, I decided to buy it.

Last night, even though I should have been grading homework, I started reading this book. It was everything I could ask for in a fantasy novel. Colorful characters, intriguing plotline, a dash of romance-- this book had it all. 1 AM found me still reading.

Skip forward to today, after lunch. I pulled the book back out, got a few more chapters in, then had to stop. The male lead character was seducing the female lead character. She had told him she never intended to marry, and he replied that he would take her any way he could get her. Then they have sex.

Yikes! This is not the kind of book I want to read OR want my younger sisters to pick up and read. Thus I immediately trashed it.

Then I started to have a mental debate. Not about this particular book, because it had no redeeming qualities, but about other books. I have been OK with reading other books where characters have had sexual relationships. I was trying to decide what exactly it is about a book that makes the difference.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

• What is the author saying about the relationship? Does he approve of fornication, or is he speaking against it. (Example: in Anna Karenina, Anna commits adultery, but the author is contrasting Anna's sad, selfish life with the life of another young woman who is true to her husband.)
• How graphic are the actual words? There is a big difference between suggesting a sexual relationship and describing a sexual relationship. (By the way, one of my problems with Twilight was that it went overboard in describing sexual feelings and desires, even though the characters never actually have sex.)

Many people I know will probably think I am too strict. I am OK with that. I have my own conscience to live with. It doesn't matter to me if another person thinks I am self-righteous because I don't feel that I am. And honestly, some things can be OK for some people, but not for others.

What do you think? What standards do you use for judging books? Have you ever had to stop a book in the middle because it didn't meet your standards?

I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes. Psalm 101:3