crunch·y [ krúnchee ]
1. crisp and crushable: crisp and making a crunching sound when eaten or walked upon
(Bing Dictionary)
Well, that's not it!
2. Sometimes, crunchy granola. Informal. health-conscious and environmentally aware
(Dictionary.com)
There it is!
Last week, I asked my sister if we were crunchy. (That's crunchy 2., and not crunchy 1.) She said, yeah, sorta, but you're crunchier than I am.
I am?
Yeah, but mainly because you have to be with all your food problems.
And she's right. Me, the kid who grew up on hot dogs and Velveeta cheese. I'm sorta crunchy now. I'm "health-conscious and environmentally aware." How did this happen to me?
We'll start with the food problems. Before it was cool, about eight years ago, I developed a gluten intolerance. Since then I have been a strict label-reader. I know what I'm eating, because if not, I get sick. Over the past few years, I have also developed either allergies or intolerances to corn, soy, and dairy. (Yes, I know, that totally stinks.) Therefore, I spend a lot of time at the health food store, trying to find food that doesn't have corn starch or soy lecithin or sodium caseinate added to it. And I cannot eat fast food. At all. So, through no desire of my own, I have become a healthy eater.
And then there's the "environmentally aware" part. I'm no tree-hugger, but I spent three years teaching environmental science in public schools, and I learned a lot about being a responsible Earth-dweller. In addition to that, I'm really cheap. I'm not sure if major corporations and their advertising firms realize this, but a big part of being "green" is NOT BUYING STUFF. And that is right up my alley. I don't have to have new things. I like buying used. I like buying quality goods that last forever. And I like fixing things that are broken so they can be used again. And when they are past repair, I like recycling or repurposing. I'm just weird that way.
If you look up "crunchy" online, you might find that it has a correlation with left-leaning political persuasions. I just want to make it clear that I am not that kind of crunchy. As long as the left is pro-abortion, pro-homosexual rights, pro-social programs, and pro-government control, I'm gonna be on the right, thank you. I would expound on that, but that's another topic for another day.
So there you are. Never thought I'd be crunchy, but maybe I am.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Catharsis
Catharsis
noun [kuh-thahr-sis], plural catharses [kuh-thahr-seez]
Writing has always been my main form of catharsis. Not only does it relieve me from the weight of my emotions, but it also pulls the strings of my thoughts into a logical pattern.
The rest of this post is my catharsis.
Since I've been married, I have not worked full-time. It was a decision that Chris and I made together, considering a lot of different factors, and it has worked very well for us. Knowing that we made the right decision is not hard. The hard part is evaluating and coming to terms with my emotions and expectations about working inside and outside the home.
On the front end, I don't blame anyone else for my own feelings. They are mine, and though our culture has probably shaped them, they are still mine alone. Please don't get offended and think that I am angry at you or anyone else, because I'm not. I'm only myself, trying to figure out my own life.
Since I have stopped working full-time (I substitute teach three days a week during the school year), I have struggled with my value as a person. It seems that for the years that I was working, I derived my value from my paycheck. If my employer thought I was valuable, then surely I was valuable! But now I get no paycheck for what I do. I cook and clean and run errands and try to make a comfortable home, but no one cuts me a check at the end of the month. And somehow that makes me feel like maybe I'm not valuable anymore.
Another wall that I have hit is that I have lost my self-identity. As a working person, my identity was found in my job. To the question "Who are you?" I might answer, "I am a teacher." Now that I am no longer a teacher, I find that question harder to answer. I should be able to say, "I am a wife," but I think of all the wives who have more hats than I do, and I think that only being a wife is not enough for my whole self-identity.
Then, of course, there is the problem of the running commentary in my mind of what other people are thinking about me. I know that it's mostly the product of my own imagination, though I do get the occasional "What do you do all day?" and "I hope you can find something soon." My running commentary tells me that other people think I am lazy or self-centered, and I am shamed.
What is the solution? I suppose I'm still figuring that out. Here's what I've got so far.
1. I've got to stop valuing myself based on externals like a salary, tasks crossed of a to-do list, and general non-focused busyness. My value is in who I am as a person and a child of God, not in what I have or have not done. I am responsible to use my life in service to God and my family, but that is not what gives me my value.
2. I've got to find creative ways to express myself as a wife, so that being a wife will be an acceptable identity for me. If I only focus on the monotonous part of my role, like laundry (ugh!), then being a wife will seem small in my eyes. But if I can get a bigger focus, if I can use my time to make a beautiful, welcoming, loving home, then being a wife will become a challenge to pour myself into.
3. I've got to stop allowing myself to "talk" for other people. I can't read another person's mind. Why should I imagine that they think I am lazy? Maybe they wish they were in my shoes instead. And for those people who ask what I do all day, I've got to remember that I don't have to justify myself to anyone but God and my husband. If I paint my toenails all day, it's none of their business!
Writing this has clarified my thoughts and helped me put my emotions where they belong. Thanks for coming along with me for the journey. Are there ways that you have combated feelings of worthlessness or lack of identity? I welcome your feedback.
For further reading, you might check out Matt Walsh's blog post, "You're a stay-at-home mom? What do you DO all day?
noun [kuh-thahr-sis], plural catharses [kuh-thahr-seez]
1.the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music. (Dictionary.com)
Writing has always been my main form of catharsis. Not only does it relieve me from the weight of my emotions, but it also pulls the strings of my thoughts into a logical pattern.
The rest of this post is my catharsis.
Since I've been married, I have not worked full-time. It was a decision that Chris and I made together, considering a lot of different factors, and it has worked very well for us. Knowing that we made the right decision is not hard. The hard part is evaluating and coming to terms with my emotions and expectations about working inside and outside the home.
On the front end, I don't blame anyone else for my own feelings. They are mine, and though our culture has probably shaped them, they are still mine alone. Please don't get offended and think that I am angry at you or anyone else, because I'm not. I'm only myself, trying to figure out my own life.
Since I have stopped working full-time (I substitute teach three days a week during the school year), I have struggled with my value as a person. It seems that for the years that I was working, I derived my value from my paycheck. If my employer thought I was valuable, then surely I was valuable! But now I get no paycheck for what I do. I cook and clean and run errands and try to make a comfortable home, but no one cuts me a check at the end of the month. And somehow that makes me feel like maybe I'm not valuable anymore.
Another wall that I have hit is that I have lost my self-identity. As a working person, my identity was found in my job. To the question "Who are you?" I might answer, "I am a teacher." Now that I am no longer a teacher, I find that question harder to answer. I should be able to say, "I am a wife," but I think of all the wives who have more hats than I do, and I think that only being a wife is not enough for my whole self-identity.
Then, of course, there is the problem of the running commentary in my mind of what other people are thinking about me. I know that it's mostly the product of my own imagination, though I do get the occasional "What do you do all day?" and "I hope you can find something soon." My running commentary tells me that other people think I am lazy or self-centered, and I am shamed.
What is the solution? I suppose I'm still figuring that out. Here's what I've got so far.
1. I've got to stop valuing myself based on externals like a salary, tasks crossed of a to-do list, and general non-focused busyness. My value is in who I am as a person and a child of God, not in what I have or have not done. I am responsible to use my life in service to God and my family, but that is not what gives me my value.
2. I've got to find creative ways to express myself as a wife, so that being a wife will be an acceptable identity for me. If I only focus on the monotonous part of my role, like laundry (ugh!), then being a wife will seem small in my eyes. But if I can get a bigger focus, if I can use my time to make a beautiful, welcoming, loving home, then being a wife will become a challenge to pour myself into.
3. I've got to stop allowing myself to "talk" for other people. I can't read another person's mind. Why should I imagine that they think I am lazy? Maybe they wish they were in my shoes instead. And for those people who ask what I do all day, I've got to remember that I don't have to justify myself to anyone but God and my husband. If I paint my toenails all day, it's none of their business!
Writing this has clarified my thoughts and helped me put my emotions where they belong. Thanks for coming along with me for the journey. Are there ways that you have combated feelings of worthlessness or lack of identity? I welcome your feedback.
For further reading, you might check out Matt Walsh's blog post, "You're a stay-at-home mom? What do you DO all day?
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Life Is Weird
Life is weird.
Life is weird because as soon as I think I know what I'm doing, then my circumstances change and I get lost again.
Life is weird because what I thought would hinder me on my journey actually serves to spur me on.
Life is weird because in the midst of some pretty awful stuff I also experience very amazing stuff.
Life is weird because my preconceptions are constantly on trial.
Life is weird because even though I know God is good, I still wonder if I'm good enough for Him to be good to.
Life is weird because the closer I get to a goal, the more I question its validity.
Life is so weird, that I give up, I quit. I'm no longer going to try to hold it all together. The seams keep rending, and the patches peel.
That's right, did you hear that, Life? No more.
Life is weird because it doesn't listen to me.
Life is weird because as soon as I think I know what I'm doing, then my circumstances change and I get lost again.
Life is weird because what I thought would hinder me on my journey actually serves to spur me on.
Life is weird because in the midst of some pretty awful stuff I also experience very amazing stuff.
Life is weird because my preconceptions are constantly on trial.
Life is weird because even though I know God is good, I still wonder if I'm good enough for Him to be good to.
Life is weird because the closer I get to a goal, the more I question its validity.
Life is so weird, that I give up, I quit. I'm no longer going to try to hold it all together. The seams keep rending, and the patches peel.
That's right, did you hear that, Life? No more.
Life is weird because it doesn't listen to me.
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