Why I Never Keep My New Year's Resolution

How many times have I actually carried through with my New Year's resolutions? Let's see...

• One year I resolved to quit drinking coffee. That lasted almost three months, when random cheating lead to complete failure.
• One year I resolved to floss my teeth daily. I didn't do it then. I only do it now because I have braces and I want to have teeth left when the braces come off.
• One year (it was this year) I resolved to stick to an exercise routine. Uhhh... I still can't run farther than two blocks at a time.

I always know what I need to do. I know I need to listen more, be more flexible, work harder, give more. Knowing is not my hang-up. My hang-up is doing it.

When I read Romans chapter 7, I find the apostle Paul had the same problem. He said, "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not" (v. 18). He goes on to echo more of my thoughts: "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do" (v. 19). Exactly, Paul, exactly!

By verse 24, Paul gets to the question I have asked so many times: "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" Tell me, Paul, what is the answer?

"I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Wait a minute, Paul, is that an answer? You are thanking God? For what? For being a miserable wretch who can't even do the good things you want to do? I don't get it.

And I didn't get it for a very long time. I didn't get it until I realized that I can't do anything good on my own. That it takes a work of Jesus Christ in me to change me. That no matter how much better I might become that I'm still going to be mostly rotten. That Jesus Christ has paid for all my sin, past, present, and future. That more than wanting me to try extremely hard to be good, he wants me to try extremely hard to stay close to him. And I can do that.

Even now, even though I still am unable to do the good things I want to do, even though I still do things I know I shouldn't do, I can say along with Paul, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Words

When I was born, I was like an empty glass, ready to be filled. And since I was a very little girl, what I wanted to be filled with was words.

I remember when I was five years old that my dad read to me from a book, a chapter book. My imagination was stoked by the words. I begged him every day to read to me more. He was a busy man, though, and he couldn't get through it as fast as I wanted him to. That's when I picked up the book and finished it myself.

After that, my glass must have sprung a leak, because no matter how much I read, I could never be filled with all the words. There were always more books with more stories. I read anything I could get my hands on, rather indiscriminately, I might add. I read through volumes of the encyclopedia. I even tried to read Gone With the Wind. (It was one of my first failures: too long.)

With all that reading, I fell in love with words. There are a vast number of words. There are short ones, long ones, simple ones, complex ones. There are words to express any thought. One book, the dictionary, can even tell you exactly what all the words mean, and how to pronounce them. (I learned to use the pronunciation key because I wanted to use new words without my parents laughing at me.)

What is it about words that hypnotizes me? Is it that the knowledge of great minds can be passed to me through their books? Is it that the authors have the ability to connect with my thoughts and feelings, and in some ways assure me that I am not alone? Is it that I can leave my somewhat boring life for a few hours and be lost in another time and another place? I think all these are true.

All kinds of animals can communicate with one another, with sounds and behaviors. Still, humans are specially gifted with words, and with the ability to record those words forever, as long as the writing is preserved. This, to me, is a wonderful gift from God.

Words have made me richer, stronger, and wiser. I hope my glass never gets full.

My Grown-Up Christmas List

In the spirit of Christmas, I now offer you... my Christmas list.

1. I want all my students to come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior. He changed my life, and I want them to know Him too. He offers freedom and forgiveness, love and comfort; everything we need for living an abundant life.
2. I want to be a better friend. I want to take time to really talk to people, to hear what they say and to be there for them.
3. I want to get enough sleep every night.
4. I want to be truly thankful and joyful throughout the day. God has withheld no good thing from me, and there is no reason why I should be bitter or malcontent.
5. I want to have a husband and start my own family.
   
6. I want all my brothers and sisters and "adopted" brothers and sisters to get off to a good start in life, to be happy and serve the Lord in whatever they choose to do.
7. I want to have my house finished and ready to live in soon.
8. I want to be content with what I have and ready to give to others what I have freely received.
9. I know this is against #8, but I really want a new Apple laptop.
10. And last and least... I always want... itunes credit.
    

The Real Meaning of Christmas

The Christmas Wars have begun. I've just heard another person griping about people using the letter X in place of Christ's name in Christmas. This is actually a very old tradition, and was started because the first letter of Christ's name in Greek is the same as the English letter X. It has nothing to do with removing Christ's name and was more of a space-saving measure. (See this web page.)

But my question is, when was Christ ever in Christmas anyway? Nowhere in the Bible are we asked to celebrate his birth. We are asked to celebrate his death through the Lord's Supper, but that's it. Christmas (and Easter) are purely man-made holidays. If you research their roots, you will find they began when the Catholics christianized pagan holidays in order to make conversion for the pagans more palatable.

I'm not against Christmas at all; I'm just tired of the war between Christians and humanists about what Christmas means. Why do Christians think they can convert the lost by harping on and on about Santa Claus and lights and the word Xmas? Let's stick to the Gospel, folks, and let Christmas be.

See Romans 14.

The Good Is the Enemy of the Best

Sometimes (well, most of the time) when people tell me their dreams, I stop listening right after the "I dreamed" part. I do this because I know it's not going to make any sense, and I'm never going to have to remember it. (I might listen if it's an entertaining dream that includes volcanoes and/or murder.)

That being said, I'm going to write about some dreams that I had. You are perfectly welcome to stop reading after the words, "I dreamed."

A few nights ago, I dreamed that a demon had a stranglehold on me. While it had me in its clutches, it was mocking me, telling me that it had me right where it wanted me. It said I could never get away. As it spoke, its face and voice continuously changed to the faces and voices of people I knew. It seemed to be saying that in my life, it didn't appear as a demon: it appeared instead as something good and pleasant that I enjoyed, but behind the pleasantness, it had me hooked.

It has often been said that the good is the enemy of the best, and I believe this is true. I've been thinking lately about the way I spend my time and wondering if perhaps I am letting the demons win by neglecting important tasks and relationships for more pleasurable activities. The other activities aren't wrong in themselves; but because they are taking up time I should be spending in prayer, Bible reading, and relationship building, maybe they are tools of Satan.

I promise I don't think that all my dreams have meaning. However, I do think that once in a while, what I am consciously or subconsciously thinking about can come through loud and clear in a dream. At times, I think they are worth paying attention to.

So my dream last night? I dreamed I had a newborn baby boy and that I was teaching math at the elementary school. I still haven't figured that one out. ;-)

To Take a Walk, Where Waters Flow

Why, on an overall good day, do I let little things get me down? On my way home from school I was in a bad mood. Reflecting over it as I drove, I realized it was based on three little annoying things that happened:

1. The kids said that my hair didn't look as good today as it did yesterday. (Why even bother to mention that, kids?)
2. A friend sent me a text saying she was going to do something that I thought was a bad idea, but I didn't feel I had the footing to tell her so.
3. I caught a student with a phone five minutes before the last bell rang. She wouldn't give it up, and, after some other drama, ended up getting suspended from school for a week for insubordination.

This kind of bad mood always compels me to go for a walk/jog. (I jog until I use up all the extra adrenalin, then I walk.) This time I left my phone behind so that I would have nothing to distract me. I just walked and thought.

It picked me up again this time, although it took a little longer than usual. I was determined to walk down to the river, which is about a mile, I guess. I walked down the street where I used to live as a teenager. (Oddly enough, I saw a childhood friend at his mother's house, where we used to shoot hoops in the driveway.) I walked by my old home that's the same, but different. I walked by houses that used to be there, replaced by houses that are new. I walked by trees, and looked up into their crowns to see if mistletoe still grows there. I walked down to the river, the river that is always different, yet the same still. At the river, I watched men loading a rusty barge with grain so that one end sunk down into the water, and wondered how many tons it could hold. I walked by the school, and wondered if someone in this school was wondering who I am, the way I do when I see someone at my school who is not a student. I walked by the old barn, where there used to be goats, but there are none now, and the roof is falling in. I walked by the cotton gin that my great-great-grandfather and great-grandfather ran many years ago, but now is just a brick skeleton.

By this time, I began to get very cold and tired. The wind began to blow harder, and the sun was too low in the sky to be of any help. I had to tie my hood down to keep my eardrums from throbbing. That's when I stopped thinking of anything other than, man, I wish I were home now!

Now the little things aren't bothering me so much. I left them behind somewhere between here and the river.

Why Do I Have to Go to Church?

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. --Keith Green

On the other hand, if you're not going to church, you're not much of a Christian either. --Me

Raise your hand if you've heard this before: "I believe in God, but I don't like organized religion." Or how about this one, "I don't have to go to church to worship God. I can worship him anywhere." These are just a couple of the many reasons people give for not attending church services.

Let's hit the first one first. Organized religion. Who do they think organized it? Hmmm, well, I believe it was Jesus Christ who did that. Maybe God is in favor of organized religion. Maybe if you don't like organized religion, you are not on God's side.

²⁴And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:

²⁵Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24, 25

Now for the second one. Can you really worship God anywhere, in any way? The Samaritans thought they could. They worshipped God, but not in the way the Jews worshipped him. They worshipped in the mountain instead of at Jerusalem as was commanded by the law. Jesus didn't think much of their worship. He said they didn't know what they worshipped.

¹⁹The woman saith unto him, Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet.

²⁰Our fathers worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship.

²¹Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father.

²²Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews.

²³But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.

²⁴God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.

John 4:19-24

Jesus said that two things were necessary for worship of God: spirit and truth. I believe that worshipping in spirit means that I am not making an outward show, but that I am truly worshpping him in my heart. I believe that worshipping in truth means doing it in the correct way. In this time period, we are to worship God along with a body of believers, a church.

²¹Unto [God] be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Ephesians 3:21

People don't want to be part of a church because it's hard. You have to put up with folks that irritate you sometimes. You have to make decisions and be responsible. You have to roll out of bed on Sunday morning and get dressed. You have to be accountable for your actions.

I know. It's hard sometimes. Still, I believe that it's totally worth it.

Fishing for Snakes?

One of my tweets/statuses this week was this: If I asked God for a fish, why do I keep picking up snakes? It comes from the scripture in Matthew 7 where Jesus says that God will give us the good things that we ask for. He compares God to our earthly fathers. If we ask our earthly father for bread, will he give us a stone? Of course not. If we ask him for a fish, will he give us a serpent? Unthinkable. In the same way, if we ask God for something good, he's going to give us something good.

However, I seem to have a problem believing this promise. I ask God for things often. Some things I have been requesting for many months or years. Sometimes it seems that God is not answering my prayers.

When this happens, I tend to look around to see if I can "find" God's answer. I go rooting around through the dust and dirt, finding "snakes." These are answers that are obviously not God's will for me, but what I think will satisfy my desire.

Picking up those snakes is no fun. Not only do they fail to satisfy for long, they also inject a little poison into my life. Yuk! Why do I keep picking them up?

This reminds me of another story in the Bible: that of Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar. God promised Abraham that he would be the father of many nations. Problem was, God was taking a mighty long time to give Abraham and Sarah a child. Sarah got worried. Maybe God wasn't going to give her a child! She had to do something, right?

Sarah worried so much that she asked Abraham to try to have a child by her servant, Hagar. (I suppose Sarah figured that God wouldn't notice the difference between her child and her servant's child.) Abraham did what Sarah asked, and he fathered a son, Ishmael.

Of course, this wasn't God's plan. God planned to bless Abraham through Sarah. He was just waiting until Abraham and Sarah were too old to have children. (God never explains why He did this. I suppose it's not our place to know at this point.) And, in the proper time, Sarah did have a child, Isaac.

Now enters the snake analogy. Ishmael is Abraham's son. Isaac is Abraham's son. One is the son of a servant, the other the son of the free woman. A million difficulties arise, especially since Ishmael is the FIRST BORN son. Yikes! Now Sarah has to get rid of the snake that she picked up. You can read more about that in Genesis 16, 17, and 21.

In my life, I want to avoid picking up snakes. If I am praying for something, I want to be sure that I wait for it. I don't want to get so impatient that I try to make circumstances fit my request when they don't. I know that if I trust God and wait on him, I will receive what is best for me: a fish, not a snake.

Freaky Friday

Something strange happened Friday. I don't know why. Maybe it was because of the nasty weather, or maybe because most of the less well-behaved children were in In-School Suspension. In any case, on Friday, most of my students were actually sweet to me. They spoke to me like I was a human being. They asked me about my weekend plans. They listened to me when I talked to them. It was great!

This weekend I have done very very little. I put together lesson plans yesterday, but I have not even touched the stack of papers I have to grade. I stayed up until 1:30 (old time) last night randomly surfing the internet. I wasn't even enjoying it that much, I just didn't want to go to bed.

This means that this week I am going to have to work like crazy to catch up. (Yeep!) On top of that, my church has a meeting almost every night this week.

But there is one bright spot. We get out on Thursday and Friday for professional development and the AEA meeting. Neither of which I have to do. Yay for days off!

OK, I'll bring this rambling, non-informative blog post to a close.

Grown-Up Bullies

I will never understand some people.

Today I experienced an act of veiled vindictiveness. This is from a person that I barely know, but for some reason doesn't like me. I happened to see her today. She began to talk to me (which was odd, because usually she pretends I don't exist). I realized why she was talking to me after I heard what she had to say. She mentioned some publicly known circumstances that might put my job in jeopardy in the future. She didn't say it outright, but it was clear to me that she was exulting in the fact that I might lose my job.

You know, I prefer that people who hate me just let me know outright. These little digs and jabs are incredibly stupid. Who are they trying to fool? Are they planning to deny they said anything wrong? Who's going to accuse them? Not me.

My master plan has always been to totally ignore hurtful comments. My observation is that if a bully knows she is getting to you, it makes her work harder. But if she thinks that no one notices her little innuendos, she gets deflated and quits.

What do you do when people cut you with nasty comments?

Education

I don't understand the U.S. education system.

I thought it would get clearer as I learned more about it, but in fact, it has become more and more confusing. In addition to being confusing, it seems to be just plain stupid at times.

One example: the federal government (and to some extent, the state government) really pushes technology. They even pay for most of our technology (smartboards, calculators, subscriptions to web educational services). However, we don't have enough people working on our technology to set it up and keep it working. I suppose there's no money for that; I'm not sure. So all this lovely technology ends up being practically useless because it's not working.

Another example: the state is trying to get students to make gains on standardized tests. That's good. But in their effort to improve education, they ask us teachers to complete scads of paperwork. When are we supposed to do all this paperwork? We already spend hours outside of school getting lessons together and grading student work. I can probably speak for most teachers when I say we just throw something together at the last minute to turn in. Does this help the students? Not likely.

Most of the projects they ask us to do are good projects. The sheer number of them, however, overwhelms. I have often said, and I will stand behind this, that only a superperson could complete everything that a teacher is asked to do.

Honestly, the state and federal government could improve education by encouraging families to stay together. Nothing too drastic, perhaps make divorces harder to get? I suppose it would be too much to ask for our government to take a moral stand. In the meantime, the educational system is being pulled in seventeen different directions, none of which is going to improve education.

Why I Can't Write an Interesting Blog Post Today

Maybe I should blog on Friday nights instead of Sunday nights. On Fridays my head is buzzing with the events of the week, but by Sunday, I have mellowed into a perfectly relaxed person who is content with letting things be. And being content is not a good beginning for writing anything.

The creative process germinates in restlessness. At least it's that way for me. It's those times when I would rather be punching someone that I can really write something good. When I am perfectly happy, my writing is perfectly bland.

This is probably why the most creative people are also some of the hardest people to understand. They seem to be driven to create by some kind of inner turmoil. The examples are endless: Van Gogh, Poe, Mozart, Picasso - all of these creative geniuses were, shall we say, crazy.

I'm not saying that I'm a creative genius in any way, but perhaps I do have something in common with these people. For me, getting my frustration out through creating something helps me deal with anxiety and stress. Maybe it is the same for them.

What helps you to be more creative?

A Control Freak's Poem

Control
I will it to be mine.
I give myself all things,
And they are mine.

Control
Pleasing is my goal:
To please you and you and you,
And myself too.
I feel myself stretching thin thin
Thin like a balloon with too much air.

Control
Where is my control?
I am angry, sad, and stop stop stop!
I did not mean to say that to her!

Control
I don't think I have it.
I think that all these people
Are pushing the buttons
On my remote.

Control
Who is in charge here?
I think I know now;
It's not me.

Control
God is in control.
This sparrow cannot fall,
This daisy cannot wilt,
Without his knowledge.

I am a bird of the air;
I am a lily of the field;
I am no longer in control;
I trust in my Maker.

Saving My Day

I have a melancholy temperament. This doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but I do tend to easily fall into bad moods. When a bad mood hit me, I used to wallow in it, but lately I've learned to do some self-examination that helps me feel better.

I did this last week. It was the end of the school day, and I was in a black mood. When I realized that I was upset, but didn't know specifically why, I began to rewind through my day to figure out what exactly went wrong. I finally narrowed it down to something the principal said to me earlier in the day. From there, I decided that it probably wasn't intended to hurt my feelings, and that I should probably not let it ruin my day. After that, even though I still felt bad about that particular thing, I was able to segment it off from the rest of my life, and move on with a better attitude.

Knowing the reason why I am sad, upset, or angry has helped me to address the issue specifically. It also keeps me from blowing up on other people because I have failed to deal with my own problems. I don't know when or why I started doing this, but I highly recommend it.

You may have been doing this all along, and wonder what kind of weirdo I am. I'll just admit that I am way more likely to ignore my feelings than to address them. For me, this is a big step.

Do you have any other strategies for dealing with bad moods? (Well, besides eating chocolate.)

Choosing Christ

The sermon this morning at church was from the passage in Philippians where Paul says that he counts all his worldly accomplishments as losses, that he might gain Christ (Phil. 3:7,8). I was sitting in the pew reflecting on all the things I've been striving for this week, and wondering how many of them were important in eternity.

It's easy to chase the rainbow and let that be the first priority in my life. It's harder to be humble and seek the good of others and the glory of God.

I think the Devil puts in in my head that certain achievements are high priority. He makes me feel that if I don't get these things, then I am missing out. I feel I need to put all my time and energy into these projects.

Now, don't get me wrong. What I strive for is not always bad on its own. It is good, for example, to be a good employee. It is wrong, however, to let being a good employee keep me from following Jesus wholly.

Here I have two alternatives. Satan wants to tie me down, to keep me running like a hamster on a wheel. Jesus wants to set me free; for in doing His will, I find ultimate freedom from the pressures of life and carnal desires.

I pray that day-by-day I will have the wisdom to toss aside all other endeavors, and choose Christ.

My Banned Books List

I admit, I was more than a bit angry and annoyed today by something that was partially my fault.

What happened was that I bought a book from the bookstore just because it looked interesting. It was in the fantasy genre, which I totally love. And there was a picture of a sword on the cover. How could I resist? I skimmed through the pages, and didn't see anything objectionable. When I checked the back and saw it cost less than $10, I decided to buy it.

Last night, even though I should have been grading homework, I started reading this book. It was everything I could ask for in a fantasy novel. Colorful characters, intriguing plotline, a dash of romance-- this book had it all. 1 AM found me still reading.

Skip forward to today, after lunch. I pulled the book back out, got a few more chapters in, then had to stop. The male lead character was seducing the female lead character. She had told him she never intended to marry, and he replied that he would take her any way he could get her. Then they have sex.

Yikes! This is not the kind of book I want to read OR want my younger sisters to pick up and read. Thus I immediately trashed it.

Then I started to have a mental debate. Not about this particular book, because it had no redeeming qualities, but about other books. I have been OK with reading other books where characters have had sexual relationships. I was trying to decide what exactly it is about a book that makes the difference.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

• What is the author saying about the relationship? Does he approve of fornication, or is he speaking against it. (Example: in Anna Karenina, Anna commits adultery, but the author is contrasting Anna's sad, selfish life with the life of another young woman who is true to her husband.)
• How graphic are the actual words? There is a big difference between suggesting a sexual relationship and describing a sexual relationship. (By the way, one of my problems with Twilight was that it went overboard in describing sexual feelings and desires, even though the characters never actually have sex.)

Many people I know will probably think I am too strict. I am OK with that. I have my own conscience to live with. It doesn't matter to me if another person thinks I am self-righteous because I don't feel that I am. And honestly, some things can be OK for some people, but not for others.

What do you think? What standards do you use for judging books? Have you ever had to stop a book in the middle because it didn't meet your standards?

I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes. Psalm 101:3

Going Into the Third Week of School

The good news is, my school reverted back to the old lesson plans (that were quicker to complete). The bad news is that I still didn't get everything finished last night like I wanted to. It only took me an hour and a half to finish up tonight, though. (If I had remembered to bring home all the papers I need to grade, it would have taken significantly longer.)

The beginning of the school year has been suprisingly easy so far. I have had some problems with some classes, but nothing like last year. The kids have been fairly compliant and I have only sent three students to the office for discipline. I hope it stays this way for the rest of the year.

The best part of being a second-year teacher is that I have already taught my subject once. I just have to review a bit, revamp the lesson by throwing away what didn't work last year and adding some new touches, and voila! I am ready for class.

It's past my bedtime. 5:30 comes early. Goodnight all!

Sorry, I'm Too Busy For You

There are many topics I could possibly post about. However, I am a bit behind on getting my lesson plans together for tomorrow. (Saturday night just wasn't long enough!) Our new lesson plans are much more detailed than our old ones were; guess I will have to budget extra time for that. I'm hoping this will save me time during the week, since I will only have to get materials together and grade papers. But in any case, I don't have time to put a blog post together. Maybe tomorrow?

Back to School

School starts on Wednesday. I'm planning to spend tomorrow and Tuesday getting my room straightened up and getting things together for the first days.

Our Open House was last Thursday. I was encouraged at the number of kids and parents who came out to the school. I bet I had 15-20 students who came by. Everyone seemed upbeat and ready for school to start.

Of course, I have one year of teaching behind me. In light of that year, I have compiled a list of

Things I Want to do Differently This Year:

1. I want to start the year off more organized. Last year, I tried to be organized, but because half the time I had no idea what I was doing, I often made up assignments on the fly. Then I didn't emphasize enough the projects that I really wanted to be done well (like their binders). This year, I am probably going to spend half a class period just discussing the binders (what needs to go in them and exactly how they need to be organized).
2. I want to be more encouraging. I started off cheerful and optimistic last year, but as the year went by, and I got bogged down in teacher stuff, I became, well, a grouch. It took me half the summer to recognize and get over that. I am going to watch my attitude, pray a lot, and do my best to keep smiling this year.
3. I want to be more helpful to low-performing students. I had several kids who failed last year, and while some of them did very little or no work, and thus probably couldn't be helped, there were some who I could have worked with more. I am going to try to identify the failing kids early on in the semester and get them the help that they need to pass my class.
4. I want to share Jesus with my students. Yes, I know that the classroom is not a place to "preach," but I have many many opportunities to share my faith and my moral values with my students on a daily basis. I want to be open to those opportunities. I want them to know that I am who I am because Jesus is who He is. I want them to know that they can have God's peace and joy in their lives too. (Another reason why I need to work on #3.)

This is just a short list. There are dozens of other aspects of my job that I am going to work on this year. I think I'm ready!

Shouldering A Burden

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1, 2

Lately it seems like I've been bearing a lot of burdens for other people. Some things have been going on with friends and family that have just been heavy for me.

Part of the problem goes back to my idea that I can take care of things, that anything can be solved, given enough thought. When someone shares their burden with me, I start trying to solve it for them. This usually results in an earache for them, and a headache for me.

My premise is not true, though. I sometimes can give good advice, but usually, I can't help at all. I am not able to DO anything, except listen and pray.

This really bothers me, though, because now I am carrying around the pain and heartache as well as the person who shared it with me. It hurts, it really, really hurts.

The Bible says doing this is fulfilling the law of Christ. I suppose it means when Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Maybe it is a form of love to listen and to care about the burdens of others. Maybe I don't have to have an answer. Maybe I can just be kind, listen, and love them.

What do you think?

Empowered... But Somehow Emptier

Urgh! I am sick of watching shows and reading books about women becoming empowered. I need to figure out why this bothers me so much. Read on for a little (poorly done) psychoanalysis.

I started thinking about this while I and my siblings sang songs from The Little Mermaid last week. The hidden message in The Little Mermaid is obviously female empowerment. (I would say the empowerment of women, but I don't think a mermaid is a woman.) Think about these lines: "Betcha on land, they understand, and they don't reprimand their daughters/Bright young women/Sick of swimmin'/Ready to stand." It was Ariel's choice to become human, and she did it, despite her father's command to stay in the sea.

Then, while I was sitting here trying to think of a good topic for this post, I started watching a movie on Hallmark. In this movie, Mrs. Washington Goes to Smith, the lead character is a woman in mid-life, going back to college. Mrs. Washington asks her roommate, a 20-year old character, for advice about dating. "Don't be passive," Zoe tells her, "Don't wait for him to call, call him. Be persistent." Which, of course, Mrs. Washington goes out and does, which lands her a man and allows her to dump her philandering husband.

Why does this rub me the wrong way? I guess because the more empowered women get, the more passive men seem to be. It is backwards from what really works. Do men like it when women pursue them? Do women like pursuing men? Is it a good idea for young ladies to ignore the advice of their fathers? Would the world be better off if women were more like men, and men were more like women?

I don't think so.

I appreciate men who treat me like a lady, not like another dude. When they open the door for me, it makes me happy. When they ask if they can carry my stuff, I almost always say yes.

I somehow think that the reverse is true as well. I bet men appreciate ladies who act like ladies, not like men. I bet they would like it if we allowed them to make decisions for themselves. I bet they would like it if we asked them for advice, then heeded it.

If you think my ideas are totally sexist, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if your way of thinking holds up in reality. Ask yourself if you have been brainwashed into this whole female empowerment bit.

And lighten up. At least you're not a mermaid who sold your voice to an octopus witch.

Lost in Austen

I don't know how your summer's been, but mine's been full of Jane Austen. I've watched Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma at least three times each over the past weeks. I re-read Emma. I even read a non-Jane Austen sequel to Pride and Prejudice. (Which I do not recommend, by the way.) I've also suffered a compulsion to buy the weirdly titled Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which adds a little of the macabre to Elizabeth and Jane's simple world. (I haven't bought it yet, but I'm afraid I will soon.)

Usually I'm not a fan of gushy romance novels. Reading about totally unrealistic people and their relationships tends to give me indigestion. Austen's books are different, though. On one hand, the setting and the plot are totally unrealistic, especially for an American of the 21st century. (Really, how many times have I been to a ball?) On the other hand, the books are extremely realistic in their portrayal of human characters.

A perfect example of realistic characters is the scene in which Mr. Woodhouse and his oldest daughter pit their respective doctors against one other. I have heard conversations in exactly the same vein that were discussed by people that are very near and dear to me. (I have also shared in Emma's total disinterest with the topic.)

Another reason to enjoy Austen's books is the biting wit of the major characters. Don't I wish I could have conversations like theirs with my friends? (Sorry, friends, I'm not that witty.) The crisp prose tends to rub off on me too. Honestly, today I actually said to someone, "Sorry to trouble you."

The predicaments of the young ladies in her stories also strike a chord with me. I, like they, am unmarried. Getting acquainted with the right men can sometimes be a challenge (oh, WHO will introduce me?). Sometimes I get acquainted with men who aren't what they claim to be (like Mr. Wickham). And the course of love never runs straight. There are always obstacles, like friends who oppose the match (Jane and Mr. Bingley), other females who are plotting to get the man (Emma and Mr. Knightley), and secret engagements (Elinor and Mr. Ferrars) (well, not really on that last one, although there are married guys who can't seem to remember that they're married).

Now, where is that Mr. Darcy? A girl like me could use 10,000 a year.

A Message from God

I did something last week that was really idiotic. I'm not going to go into detail about it because it would be too embarrassing, but it was completely unintentional. The worst part is that I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for my mistake.

I was stewing about this while driving and listening to one of my favorite podcasts, the Boundless Show, when a song starting playing. I don't know who sings the song, nor do I remember the tune or the exact words, but I do remember the gist of the song. It said, No one told me I would make mistakes, No one told me it was OK to grieve them. It was like God sent the message straight to me.

Often when I screw up, I get emotionally and mentally tied up in my mistake. I have a hard time letting it go and moving on with my life. I replay and revisit and decide what I should have done instead. In a way it's good to consider situations in hindsight because the situation might come again, but somehow I manage to get totally entrenched in them.

When I heard the song, I felt like God was telling me that it was OK to let go of my struggle. Sure, I made a mistake. Sure, it might have been prevented. But at this point, nothing I could do could amend for my mistake, and wallowing around in it was not helpful.

Maybe you think that this is an elementary concept. Maybe you learned this a long time ago. But maybe you didn't, and this will help you today, just like the song I heard helped me.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

This is my second attempt at starting a new blog. I just didn't like the other one, so I got rid of it. I'm going to stick with this one... I think.

I've had a lovely summer so far. I haven't done anything strenuous. Basically, I've done whatever I wanted for the last five weeks.

This year, it was my goal to do nothing during the summer because I have been working very hard for the past year. The unplanned time has been relaxing, but I've already decided that next year, I will either go on a long trip (maybe do summer missions) or get a part-time job. It's only because I am getting a little frustrated with my inability to finish things I start without a strict schedule.

The strange thing is that I feel like I have been doing a lot this summer, but when people ask me what I have been doing, I never can think of anything interesting to tell them. I guess this is what stay-at-home moms feel like. They're always working on things that seem too small to mention.

It's also strange because although I feel like I well deserve a summer-long vacation, I feel somewhat guilty for not "doing" anything over the summer. I wonder if people are looking at me like I'm some kind of bum. I'm still convincing myself that I don't care.

OK, I've got to go and do some "little" tasks like washing the dishes, straightening up the house, and washing clothes.