The Mask

A danger, named, is robbed of

The worst kind of fear: uncertainty.

Whether a giant or small monster,

Or child looms behind the mask

I can't know.

And when I am uncertain, I can't

Step forward this way or that, only

Hole up in my footprints waiting for

A message that may never have been mailed.

Each day the quizzes twist my brain,

Twist my thinking until nothing seems upright.

It's only when I remember that God is never uncertain,

Never unknowing, never unloving,

That I condense into one whole trusting self, and

Move onward, unafraid.

Stress City

I didn't post last week because I was working on lesson plans clear into Sunday night. I avoided that this week by getting them done early this time. Ergh. I am SO ready for summer vacation.

This week has been full of stressful events. I had an interview for a different job on Tuesday. My sister had a baby on Wednesday, and the baby is still in the hospital from complications. (He should be getting out soon.) I had a date on Friday with a guy I had never been out with before. Then our school prom was Saturday night, and I just couldn't bring myself to go. I just needed some time to chill.
Because of everything going on, I have been even more spacey than normal. For example, yesterday I was going to cook some chicken to make enchiladas with. I put the water on to boil, then an hour and a half later, I walked through the kitchen and noticed the water boiling. I had forgotten I had even started it! Then after I put the chicken in the pot, I forgot about it too. I didn't remember it again until I had already gotten ready for bed. I got up to check the thermostat, and there the chicken was, on the stove, boiling away. I'm so glad I was feeling a bit hot!
I'm trying not to worry about anything. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to trust the Lord. Say, when does this get easier??

This is my new nephew, Logan. I think he has the West nose.

It's Not Easy Street, But That's OK

The Christian life has been compared to a journey, a race, and a battle. Most Christians would say that being a Christian is a learning experience and a test of endurance. No one can say that he is through learning and growing.

I was reminded of this recently when talking to my sister. She told me about a friend of hers that was comparing their Christian lives. Her friend commented that she barely reads the Bible but she has less trouble than my sister, who reads her Bible frequently. Her friend didn't understand this seeming contradiction. Shouldn't my sister be blessed more because of her dedication?

This is a misconception of Christianity. Many people believe that the more you serve Jesus, the smoother your life will be. They believe that if you are close to God, He will send obvious blessings and trouble will never find you.

Maybe that is true for some Christians, but I can tell you it hasn't been for me. In my life I have had trouble, trouble on the outside and trouble on the inside. Whether I was close to God or far from God, it didn't seem to matter. Trouble still came.

The key for me is to remember that I do not serve God to make my life easier. I don't bargain with Him, sacrificing pieces of my life so that He will smooth out the other parts. It's not like that with Him.

Then why do I serve God? I serve God because I love Him. Because I know He loves me. Because even though my life is not smooth, I can see His hand in it. I am learning and growing and stepping higher and higher. I am becoming who I want to be, who I long to be, and He is making it happen.

When I die, it's not going to matter if my life was easy. No one is going to remember me as being a golden child. What people will remember is if I was humble, kind, patient, gentle, loving, honest, and righteous. And when I stand before my Maker, it's going to make all the difference in the world if I can say to Him, "I kept on trying. I kept on getting up whenever I fell. I kept on trusting you, no matter what. I stayed in the fight, the race, the battle." That is what I want.

A Control Freak's Poem

Control
I will it to be mine.
I give myself all things,
And they are mine.

Control
Pleasing is my goal:
To please you and you and you,
And myself too.
I feel myself stretching thin thin
Thin like a balloon with too much air.

Control
Where is my control?
I am angry, sad, and stop stop stop!
I did not mean to say that to her!

Control
I don't think I have it.
I think that all these people
Are pushing the buttons
On my remote.

Control
Who is in charge here?
I think I know now;
It's not me.

Control
God is in control.
This sparrow cannot fall,
This daisy cannot wilt,
Without his knowledge.

I am a bird of the air;
I am a lily of the field;
I am no longer in control;
I trust in my Maker.