Stress City

I didn't post last week because I was working on lesson plans clear into Sunday night. I avoided that this week by getting them done early this time. Ergh. I am SO ready for summer vacation.

This week has been full of stressful events. I had an interview for a different job on Tuesday. My sister had a baby on Wednesday, and the baby is still in the hospital from complications. (He should be getting out soon.) I had a date on Friday with a guy I had never been out with before. Then our school prom was Saturday night, and I just couldn't bring myself to go. I just needed some time to chill.
Because of everything going on, I have been even more spacey than normal. For example, yesterday I was going to cook some chicken to make enchiladas with. I put the water on to boil, then an hour and a half later, I walked through the kitchen and noticed the water boiling. I had forgotten I had even started it! Then after I put the chicken in the pot, I forgot about it too. I didn't remember it again until I had already gotten ready for bed. I got up to check the thermostat, and there the chicken was, on the stove, boiling away. I'm so glad I was feeling a bit hot!
I'm trying not to worry about anything. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to trust the Lord. Say, when does this get easier??

This is my new nephew, Logan. I think he has the West nose.

Life Changing

OK, I admit it, I've become a TLC watcher. It started off innocently enough with "What Not to Wear." Then I kept watching through "Hoarders." Now I want to catch "19 Kids and Counting." When does that come on?

It's so interesting to see people change over the course of the show. I love to see the people on "What Not to Wear" get transformed into more stylish versions of themselves, and I love to see the people on "Hoarders" finally get their houses cleaned up. (Actually, the first part of the show makes me want to clean uncontrollably. I mean, what if I end up like that?)

I'm enamored with the idea of making life better and better and better until finally I have reached the maximum most amazing life ever. Is this an American way to think? It's not very realistic.

My idea of getting better and better needs to be replaced. Instead I need to prioritize more. It's not really necessary that I do everything that I think of to do. If I am busy doing something important (like playing with my nephews, for example), it's not terrible that I didn't do something less important (like washing my car). I guess, really, it's about balance and cutting myself a little slack in some areas, while being a bit more disciplined in others.

I think I'm figuring this out. There is no easy life, we just have to do the best we can with the one we've got.

I'm glad God is gracious, and that He is in control. Otherwise I would become totally psychotic trying to make it all work out.

Ending/Beginning (Because They're the Same)

...49 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL...

Yes, I am getting ready for this school year to be over. The seniors have about a month left, then they will be gone. We've finished one end-of-course test (literacy), but there are a jillion left to get through (algebra, algebra II, geometry, biology), and there are all the AP tests, the 9th grade norm-referenced test, and the benchmarks for 7th and 8th grades (which luckily won't affect me). Actually, none of the tests affect my subjects at all (a blessing). They just interrupt my classes.

Tests are what we are going to be suffering through over the next 49 days. Then when we finish all of those, we are going to give our own semester tests. And I hope I can squeeze in the rest of the material that I need to cover for the year, especially in Physical Science. Reteaching topics that the students had trouble with slowed us down a lot. (But of course moving ahead when they still don't get it makes about as much sense as putting your shoes on before your socks.)

On the home front, since I have resigned my position for next year, I have been scouting for jobs at schools closer to home. I've had a few jobs turn up, but not a lot. I am feeling a bit nervous, but excited about what next year is going to bring.

I'm also working on my house. I have a mobile home parked on my dad's land. It has electricity hooked up to it, but that's all. It is in no way livable right now, and I really want to be able to move in when school is out June 4th. Before I move in I have to get a driveway laid, the water line run from the meter, the floors redone (they have water damage), the walls painted, and some new appliances put in. That is not the work of one weekend.

OK, so I am going a bit crazy with these tasks swimming around in my head. Maybe I should start a few dozen lists...

It's Not Easy Street, But That's OK

The Christian life has been compared to a journey, a race, and a battle. Most Christians would say that being a Christian is a learning experience and a test of endurance. No one can say that he is through learning and growing.

I was reminded of this recently when talking to my sister. She told me about a friend of hers that was comparing their Christian lives. Her friend commented that she barely reads the Bible but she has less trouble than my sister, who reads her Bible frequently. Her friend didn't understand this seeming contradiction. Shouldn't my sister be blessed more because of her dedication?

This is a misconception of Christianity. Many people believe that the more you serve Jesus, the smoother your life will be. They believe that if you are close to God, He will send obvious blessings and trouble will never find you.

Maybe that is true for some Christians, but I can tell you it hasn't been for me. In my life I have had trouble, trouble on the outside and trouble on the inside. Whether I was close to God or far from God, it didn't seem to matter. Trouble still came.

The key for me is to remember that I do not serve God to make my life easier. I don't bargain with Him, sacrificing pieces of my life so that He will smooth out the other parts. It's not like that with Him.

Then why do I serve God? I serve God because I love Him. Because I know He loves me. Because even though my life is not smooth, I can see His hand in it. I am learning and growing and stepping higher and higher. I am becoming who I want to be, who I long to be, and He is making it happen.

When I die, it's not going to matter if my life was easy. No one is going to remember me as being a golden child. What people will remember is if I was humble, kind, patient, gentle, loving, honest, and righteous. And when I stand before my Maker, it's going to make all the difference in the world if I can say to Him, "I kept on trying. I kept on getting up whenever I fell. I kept on trusting you, no matter what. I stayed in the fight, the race, the battle." That is what I want.

Japan (Why I Will Never Go)

I squirmed quietly in the hard airplane seat, trying to stretch my legs out. Through the scratched window, I could see thick gray clouds swirling by. From where I sat, I could reach over and touch my mother's hand on the armrest to my right. My younger sister occupied the window seat. Directly in front of me sat my father, and my brother sat across the aisle. They claimed that having aisle seats was more important than sitting together.

Japan is a mysterious country, a land of apple blossoms and rice paddies. It is a land of skyscrapers and simple farmers. It is a land of tradition and secrets. It was where we were going to spend the next two years of our lives.

But before we could enjoy Japan, we had to endure the fourteen-hour flight there. Personally, my endurance was beginning to run out. The cramped way I had to sit, the filthiness of the tiny airplane toilets, and the endless cycling of stale movies through the back-of-the-seat screen were all starting to get to me. I was ready for it to be over NOW.

I glanced out the window again. A break was visible through the clouds. At first I thought I was looking at darker clouds beneath us, but then I noticed the breaking waves.

The ocean was rising to meet us! I panicked, grasping my mother's hand hard. "We're going down!" I heard myself say. My mother looked at me oddly as the plane hit the water with a gurgle of water and a snap of the wings breaking off.

My Grumpy Cocoon

I complain too much.

This is a continual thing with me. Often, when I am talking to someone, the first thought that pops into my head is a complaint. There always seems to be something wrong or someone is always getting on my nerves. I'll just face it, I'm plain grumpy.

A few days ago, a friend clued me in to how discontented I am. "You seem downhearted," she said. Oh, no, I thought, really? Did other people think that as well?

It's helpful to get that kind of feedback. I took a step back and reviewed my behavior. Yes, I do complain too much. Yes, I do let my problems suck the joy out of my daily life. Now, what to do about it?

The first thing I did was talk to the Lord. The Lord has promised that I can have joy in my life even when I have problems. If I am not joyful, there is a problem in my relationship with God.

Through prayer I realized that I am resentful because I feel I am not being appreciated for what I do. I realized that I am discontented because I believe I am not getting all that I deserve. I am letting seeds of bitterness grow in my soul and take the place of the good fruits that should be there.

Easy fix? Yes and no. No, because it was hard to own up to that resentment and bitterness. I could not believe that it had gotten that bad! Yes, because once I reminded myself that a loving God gives me everything that I need, the resentment and bitterness melted away.

God is like that, though. I get all cocooned up in some sin, then He takes the time to cut through the mess, and when the light finally shows through, I emerge, wondering why in the world didn't I do that sooner!

The Awakening

I thought I was dead

I thought that I was buried under a mountain of rocks

Then came the burning, the aching

Then came the sweet shrill song of the new birds

And a cracking and breaking of the dried-out earth

It stirred inside me like a opening seed, pushing up

It brought to me the memory of goodness

Of life, of joy, of heart bursting with love

It surprised me, a little

I had forgotten the rising passion

Suppressed for so long, I thought the germ of life was gone

But as it opened inside me

I opened up around it

I let it engulf me, engulf me and make me new

I have risen again, new like spring