Winter

My bones ache in the winter
And when the wind whips my ears,
Shoulders, hands, calves, ankles, toes,
I try to hide in my coat.

I am a heat-seeker those times.
If a flame is licking near,
I will find it, its breath warms,
Then roasts me until I turn.

In winter, the dark hangs low,
Leaving small spaces of light
Where I plant myself, yearning
For more as it fades away.

There's little of winter that
Cheers me. I count it down. It's
Prison time without parole.

Do you check your closets before going to bed? I don't. I do admit, however, that as a child, I would often check under the bed. For a few weeks I even jumped into bed from several feet away because I thought there was a nun under my bed waiting to snatch my ankles. (I don't know why a nun.)

Fear is a strange creature. When we are children, we are afraid of things that are ridiculous, like the bogeyman or, in my case, nuns. As adults, our fears our easier to rationalize, but perhaps if we really examined them, they would be just as ridiculous.

I read about a businessman who wrote down all his worries and analyzed them. He found that most of the time he was either worrying about something that had already happened or he was worrying about something that was not likely to happen. I think fear is something like that. We tend to fear things that are either not likely to happen, or if they do happen, aren't as bad as we imagine them to be.

Fear, though, is one step past worry. Worry can be an entertaining pastime. But no one likes fear. It's scary. When I am afraid, I feel like I might stop breathing, that my vision is going black, that every pleasant part of my life is slipping away. Although it might be irrational, it's very real.

When I was little, I ran to my parents when I was afraid. They were the voices of reason that drove away the madness. I was assured that what I feared could not occur. Now that I am grown, I realize that my parents have fears of their own, and the magic answers that they had back then no longer apply.

Ah, yes, fear is a scary monster. I can't run to my parents anymore, but still I have somewhere to run. I can run to Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me." (Psalm 23:4) "For thou has been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle forever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings." (Psalm 61:3,4) "Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Luke 12:32)

I would be lying if I said I am never afraid. Still I know that if I run to Jesus, He will give me assurance. What I fear can never bring me down, because He is with me.

From Depression to Praise

I've been encouraged the past couple of weeks. At times I get stuck in a cycle of feeling down and feeling like it's going to stay that way. Fear begins to take up residence in my heart. I feel like I need to stay busy to stay one step ahead of the darkness. But lately, I've felt a real peace and joy that I know is from God. I'm thankful for that.

How do I get from depression to praise? Let me tell you, it hasn't been an easy path. On the other hand, it's super simple to do. Depression turns to praise when I give over my worries to Jesus. The Bible says "casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (I Peter 5:7) It's funny that it takes every bad thing happening that could happen before I realize what I should have known all along: I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. Sounds depressing, doesn't it? But it's not, because there's a corollary: God has total control over the circumstances of my life. And he is working things out to my benefit. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) The more I believe what God's word says about him and about me and about my purpose in this life, the more joy I feel.

I didn't get here without help from my friends, though. Christian friends have encouraged me to believe in the Lord, and they have listened to my troubles with patience and kindness. I believe that is why the Lord started churches when he was here on earth. How could we ever serve God without encouragement from other Christians?

Something else that has really helped me has been listening to Christian music. I got into a habit of listening to non-Christian music on a regular basis, and while I'm not saying it's wrong, most of those songs are not encouraging. A few weeks ago, I switched over to KLove and Air1, and I have noticed a big change in my attitude. Music is powerful. And can I plug Mandisa's new album here? I bought it last week, and have been playing it nonstop since then. Every song is an encouragement to keep going, keep trying, keep trusting. I love it.

What helps you when you are down? Do you feel OK admitting it when you feel that way? Are there people that you can share that with who encourage you?

Theme (I Don't Have One)

My problem is, and this is why I can't seem to keep up with my blog, that I have no one recurring theme. I used to have a blog that was just about teaching, and I could handle that. I always had something to say about school. But this blog, this blog has no purpose whatsoever. It is too random. And being random means that I have too many topics to choose from, which means that I almost never know what to write.
Since I have decided this, my new goal is to create a theme for my blog. Any suggestions?

Count Your Blessings

You know the hymn, Count Your Blessings? We sang it at church this morning. And the funny thing is, I didn't have to be reminded this time, because I've been counting my blessings lately.

Blessings can be easy to overlook, especially if one has gotten in a habit of looking at the dark side of life. Lately I've been kinda down because my boyfriend and I broke up. Plus I'm working a lot of hours and it's hard for me to find a margin to take a break in.

But yesterday I had a day clear of activities (finally). I spent some time yesterday morning just thinking about all the things that the Lord has given me. I'm healthy. I have a job. I can pay all my bills and buy pretty much anything I want. I have a running car. I have a house that's my own. I have parents who love me and help me out all the time. I have brothers, sisters, brothers-in-law, a sister-in-law, and nephews and nieces, all of whom I am on speaking terms with and I can depend on for friendship and love. I have a host of friends who are giving and kind. Thinking about all that, it seems that for me to be down or depressed is a reflection on my bad attitude, and not on my life situation.

Yes, I realize that it's OK for me to feel down sometimes. I'm not saying it's wrong to have a bad day, week, or month, even. I think it IS wrong, however, to wallow in that place. It's wrong for me to drown myself in self-pity. Because I'm not to be pitied. I am greatly blessed. :)

Train Wreck

The train of loneliness
Barreled through, its horn sounding
So loudly, and I didn't see it coming so
I thought I was getting mowed down
At first, but then it wasn't really hitting me,
It hit another person who is me but is not me.

News Stories

I don't know why it was so funny to me, maybe because I have been stressed to the max lately, but today the newspaper was hilarious.

First I read the local paper. There was a story in there about a 92-year-old woman who just had her first novel published. Right in the middle of the article, totally out of context, it said "She has had personal problems all her life." Really. And why is that important? And why would she want the whole county to know that? I started giggling.

Oh yeah, and my DAD had a piece published in the local paper too. The veteran that used to take care of the flags at the cemetery has died, and the piece was a tribute to him plus a invitation for someone else to take on the task. My dad wrote "You could tell he wasn't Baptist because he was too cheerful." My dad is funny.

Then I started to read the Democrat-Gazette. I read about the Amish terrorists. Apparently there has been a feud between these two groups of Amish people, and the one group showed their anger by forcibly cutting off the hair and beards of people from the other group. Amish terrorism... it's scary!

Last of all, I read about the Yellville Turkey Trot Festival. It seems they have a tradition of dropping live wild turkeys from airplanes during the event. Well, as you may have guessed, PETA and the FAA are none too happy with this activity. The FAA has vowed to find the pilots and punish them by taking their licenses away. However, no one in town has revealed the names of the pilots. They "don't know who it is."

Have you read any funny news stories lately? Has the price of gas gone down at your local station? Let me know!